04/13/2015
  The mood is very good.

  This morning was auspicious. It was the first morning, in as long as I can remember, where it wasn't a battle to go out into the world.
  I was actually well rested, energetic, and looking forward to going to work.

  A few weeks ago I had to go to the VA clinic, real all of a sudden like, in the middle of the week. I was having an episode. I have to say that the psych clinic at the VA in York is fantastic! They're attentive, they listen, and they're there when you need them.
  I had some meds adjusted. Things were very difficult at first. I was feeling washed-out and very run down. I was sleeping a lot. In fact, it's about all I wanted to do. I told the doctor this and he told me I would adjust. So I soldiered on. Looks like I found the light at the end of the tunnel. And, for once, it wasn't a train.

  Things are looking up.

  I've been reflecting on my life since I returned from Florida in 2011 and I have a list of things that are worth mentioning: 1. I've had the same phone number for four years. 2. None of my utilities have been shut off, or even threatened to be shut off. 3. I have reliable transportation. 4. I have money between paydays and even have money going to a savings account. 5. I have a home that I love and wouldn't trade for anything. 6. I have people who love and care about me.

  That last one is the most important of all.

 I actually feel good about myself.

  I'm a little worn out now. Been nothing but frenetic motion since I got home. Going to relax a bit, read, get a good night's sleep, and wake up ready to go.

  It's been a good day.

  Thanks for listening.
  

Just a guess, Ct.  Is it possbile someone who knew of your employment left the box of toys thinking you would know how or where to dispose of them so that other children could have them to play with?  I'm thinking CPS, Salvation Army or other such organizations of which there are many in the York area.

After careful consideration, lengthy analysis, and thorough questioning, I've come to the conclusion that, no matter how vitally important your message is, no one will listen if it's written in yellow crayon.
 

04/21/2015

  The mood is erratic.

  Hampton Virginia has two of the most fascinating pieces of architecture I've ever seen. They're called the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnels.

  The road goes straight out over the bay, then plunges under water for about a mile, then surfaces again. This was their answer to either a draw-bridge or a bridge that rises hundreds of feet. There's a large navy base in Norfolk and warships with very high conning towers present a problem for bridges.

  The solution was brilliant.

  Instead of trying to go up far enough or having to stop traffic to lift the road out of the way they decided to go under it. But the fascinating part is the combination of bridge and tunnel. How was this done? How does one build a bridge a third of the way over the bay then have the tunnel go underwater?

  I'd spent hours pondering this. It's simply amazing.

  Okay. I wrote all of that stuff above because I'm trying to avoid the real reason for this entry.

  About a month ago, I tagged my brother Chris in a Facebook post. My sister in law bought a brand new Chevy Camaro. The thing looks like a space-ship on wheels. I thought older brother would be envious because he absolutely loves Camaro's. Hence the tag.

  Brother is not very good about monitoring his Facebook account. He just read the tag last weekend. He sent me a message saying thanks and he was surprised because he thought I wasn't acknowledging him anymore.

  Needless to day, this stirred up a whole hornet's nest of emotion that I was doing my best to avoid.

  As you know, I don't handle strong emotion well. There are too many variables. Emotions fit poorly into the functional patterns so it's best to exclude them altogether.

  This is, of course, preposterous.

  While I'm not able to experience emotion in a manner consistent with everyone else, I am still human. Like it or not it's going to happen. The goal, when this does happen, is to take deep breaths, try to clear my mind. And dial down whatever it is I'm feeling.

  I'm not always successful.

  At any rate, I was left with a bit of a dilemma. I didn't want to blow off the message. I also didn't want to reply. I found it rather odd that Chris contacted me when I was recovering from a severe episode. The last time I saw him was on the anniversary of my mother's suicide. How the fuck does he manage that kind of timing?

  Anyway. I decide to take a middle approach. I sent him a text message saying he should go to my Facebook profile, go to February of last year, and read the journal posts forward. He might better understand.

  I don' know if he'll do this. He's an intelligent guy. He likes to read. But what I wrote might be painful. Or hurtful.

  I don't know how this will turn out.



  It's just too much to handle.

  Thanks for listening.

 

I actually made the attempt.  I sent a text message:  received a reply from someone saying I had the wrong number.

Got a updated number from one of my friends whom he had given his new number to.  Sent the same text message, got a reply--from my brother--saying 'you have the wrong number, this is a business phone'.

My best guess is he was shit-faced when he sent the Facebook message on Saturday and had completely forgotten he'd done it.  Since there was no context for the message I sent and it didn't ID because I'm not on his contacts list, he didn't realize it came from me.

I'm done.