07/02/2017

 The mood is cool.

 I'm having the feeling the trip to Target was a setback...sort of. It comes and goes. It wasn't all one thing or the other but it just keeps feeling that way.

 There were successes and failures and that's pretty much what most days are like right now. I'm trying to learn from them. Applying logic to emotion. Which always works out :::sarcasm font:::.

 You can imagine the confusion this is causing. I'm here, I'm dealing with this, I'm going to therapy, I'll be okay.

 On a lighter note.

 I have a novel...sort of.

 I was having difficulty with both the perspective and the direction of the story. I sent some of my notes to my protege and asked if she'd like to help me build a world and she agreed.

 I just sent her a very detailed description about how magic works in this world. I thought we could start by building the actual world then do the social structure and then the story. So for the background stuff, like what the world looks like and what properties of physics exist...aka how magic works, I thought we'd start with that since it's central to the story.

 I sent her thoughts on the subject. I think what I came up with is a neat idea but I really want a critical viewpoint and suggestions and I'm hoping my protege will become as excited about this project as I am.
 I haven't felt this good about anything in years.

 We're going to build a freaking world, man!

 Thanks for listening

Did you know that there are all these "games" you can download for free?

  Then....and the is the really bizarre part....people will pay real money for game money!

  Like they'll hand over twenty bucks to get five-hundred points or gold or sheckels or whatever they use as currency in the game.

  So, to summarize:

  Game: Just a game

  Game economy: Based on game money. To succeed, you need game money.

  Real money: People hand over actual cash-money in exchange for fake money that doesn't exist.

  Just give it to me, okay?

  That way at least one of us will be happy.

07/12/2017

 The mood is calm.

 This is the calm that is found after the storm. The time when everything that was in motion is now still.

 I spent a great deal of my life trying to be like everyone else. I spent a great deal of my life trying to fit in in a world that doesn't have space for a part like me.

 I believed there was something wrong with me.

 And when I discovered this was true, I believed I could get better when I knew all along this is not something that can never happen.

 But, perhaps, the biggest mistake I made was believing that wrong and different are the same thing.

 There's nothing wrong with me. I was born with this brain. I just haven't been true to its nature. I denied what I am in order to be like everyone else when what I really am is something too different to be denied.

 I live in a world of narratives.

 Stories.

 Everything has a beginning, middle, and end. It's easy for me to read and I just assumed everyone else could too. But this is unique to me. The problem with narratives is that a story has structure. That structure doesn't allow for variables.

 The story is what the story is.

 Looking back, the deck was stacked against me from the start. I did my best to do something I thought was worthwhile. I tried to defend the country that saw fit to give me something so few other people in the world had.

 I tried to give something back to the community.

 I never would have made it this far without people who care about me. People who cared enough to overlook the bizarre behavior, the wild mood swings, the lack of understanding, the literal interpretation of everything they say....it's a long list.

 But the madness has an up side too. 

I could always find some strange humor in just about everything. I can make people laugh. I know how to have a conversation, how to tell a story....

 So.

 So now my story is changing. One story is ending, another is beginning.

 I'm stepping down. Retiring.

 This is no longer who I am.

 I'm not sure who I will become. The narrative is fluid now. Undefined. But strangely comforting.

 I think I'd like to try being a teacher.

 I'd like to pass on what I know to someone whose whole life is ahead of her.

 I'd like to write some of my own stories for change.

 I'd like to embrace who I am and run with it. 

 Thanks for listening  

I am wishing you a great adventure in this next chapter of your life. 

07/16/2017

 The mood is up.

 I feel level. Even. There have been no sleep-walking episodes in a few weeks. Or if there is, I've been more circumspect about it. Nothing's been changed as far as I can see.

 I have some things to learn

 My budget is considerably different now. I cashed in some change to get a few bucks until the 1st of August and Nice Wendy was a love and filled my car up with gas so I can make it to my appointments.

 I'm still going to regular counseling appointments. Those are going well.

 I think once my retirement stuff is settled and I get the disability determination back from the VA I'll be much better off.

 I banged out a little over five-thousand words for a short-story between 4am and about 9am.

 It's been in my head for weeks. Stuck. Because I'm lousy at naming made up things. But, I have a brilliant protege who is very good at naming things so there's now there is movement for the story. My fantasy novel has been sitting for years—blocked, until I began corresponding with my protege. Now the ideas are flowing.

 But I'm rusty as hell.

 I mean, I've been writing this journal and a few other things, but I haven't written a story in a couple of decades. I kept going back to correct or change things. Nice Wendy and Allie are going to look it over and tell me what they think.

 I've also been writing background on our as yet unnamed world. I have a place, one continent and one island. A social/political structure that's pseudo-feudal but mostly a representative republic run by ruling Houses who answer to council of Archons who answer to an empress.

 We've mostly worked out how magic will work. Practically everything I could dream up had been done already so I settled on a process that I hope is fresh enough to get attention.

 Allie is also drawing a map. If she has the same talent her mum does it will be a work of art.

 I feel good about things. For the first time in a long time. I might run out of gas. I might run out of food.

 But I still can't stop smiling.

 There's a whole other world out there that I've never seen.

 The daytime people.

 Something new to explore.

 Thanks for listening.