02/15/2017

 The mood is uncomfortably agitated.

 Four years ago I was hospitalized because I just couldn't understand the world sufficiently to interact with it.

 The world I see is perplexing, counterproductive, selfish, violent, indolent. We work hardest at making each other miserable than we do anything else. This isn't something I can wrap my head around. It's a logical paradox.

 So I began to get upset about it.

 Something that shouldn't be but is is one very large variable. One that can't be resolved. So I had to tune it out. And that worked very well.

 But it's an election year.

 And with a nationwide election, there is no avoiding the news completely. It was insidious. It altered my personality sufficiently that I began to fall into that unresolvable variable. This means confusion, then agitation then outright hostility.

 This is not who I want to be.

 So I'm slowly dialing things out again. I really don't want to know.

 I'm down to one-hundred ninety-two pounds.

 This was my military weight. When I was twenty. A long, long time ago. Honestly, I never thought I'd ever be below two-hundred pounds again. My clothes are hanging off me like I'm playing dress-up with my parent's wardrobe.

 I've been able to eat small amounts.

 By small amounts I mean a few bites then it's done. I can keep things down this way. But I think I know what' triggering the gag reflex. My senses are dialed way, way up for some reason. I will burn after just a few minutes exposure to direct sunlight.

 I used to use copious amounts of hot spices in my cooking. I can't even work around a small amount now. It's like eating fire. Every noise is clear and distinct. Which means they're all being heard a the same time.

 I think anything solid passing through and touching the back of my throat is causing me to gag. So I'm nibbling. Very small amounts. It seems to help.

 I was trying to describe this to someone at dinner once. I could filter out the background noise enough to listen to distinct conversations going on anywhere in the dining area and bar. He likened it to a super-hero power.

 I told him is was less Marvel Comics and more House Usher.

 I don't know if he got the reference, it's kind of obscure.

 I've rather been enjoying moderating on the Exchange. The general consensus from our more vocal members is that I favored one side over the other. I won't say which side is which because both felt the same way.

 Then someone posted something that was way over the line and I acted on it. It really doesn't make a difference which side you're on. That doesn't matter. These are just rules. They have no alignment.

 I'm about as moderate as any one person can be. And I feel like I'm doing okay with this.

 So, this is me.

 For today.

 Thanks for listening

03/06/2017

 The mood is even.

 I haven't written anything in a long time. I need to say something but I have no idea what that something is.

 For now, I'll just talk.

 I'm settling in to the issue with the excessive weight loss. For a while, I was making up for not being able to keep anything solid down by ingesting things that are very high in sugar. My reasoning was that sugar provides energy.

 This was relatively sound reasoning...if all I needed was energy.

 I was completely overlooking protein. My doctor told me I needed to work in some kind of protein otherwise I'd start losing muscle as well as fat. He also pointed out that I can still be carrying fat and lose muscle. I was under the impression all of the fat was used up first.

 I learned something important.

 I'm getting protein where I can. I actually got some chicken from KFC. I plan to devour the skin. If anyone's interested in gently-used chicken, let me know.

 I'm getting used to the idea of group therapy.

 To be truthful, I'm finding it fascinating. I can't give specifics about anything but just listening to other people speak about the things that are usually going through my own head just grabs my attention. The best thing is, I can ask questions or give some insight or something like that.

 By doing this I'm also dealing with that same thing for myself. I'm examining what they're saying and asking myself if this is me. I think through this while they're telling the story and then I address it.

 No one seems to mind me asking questions...at least no one's said so. The questions I tend to ask can be painful to answer. Because this is me. And I'm asking because I'm finally not alone in the world.

 And I want to understand.

 I'm good with this. I'm adapting and starting to settle down some.

 I don't know if this is what I needed to say but here it is.

 Thanks for listening. 

Always found that curious, Fred.

I function poorly in an environment I seem to understand better than most.
 

03/09/2017

 The mood is good.

 Still.

 I keep having these anger flashes. Like I'll be driving, relaxed, listening to music, then a memory will surface. One that recalls incidences in which I was extremely upset. I have no idea why this is happening but at least I'm aware of it so it's much easier to control.

 I feel okay physically too.

 I haven't lost any more weight. I'm hanging at one-hundred eighty-eight. That was my military weight. When I was lifting heavy objects all day every day and was solid as a tree-trunk. Not so much anymore. I'm as solid as a pillow.

 One of those really downy ones.

 Before I became aware of the autism, I used to communicate my emotions using music. I'd make a collage of songs that carefully express how I feel over the entire range of emotions and I'd hand it off to whomever I wanted to communicate with so they can understand.

 Only, it never quite worked out that way.

 You see, an emotion that is tied to a piece of music is your emotion and your music. The same song will have a different meaning for another person. Without understanding this I was always left hurt and confused because what I made didn't evoke the correct response.

 So I learned. And I understand a little better. But I'm still prone to using music or some other means to express an emotion instead of just expressing the damn emotion.

 It gets a little convoluted.

 I felt much, much better at work today.

 I felt productive, on top of things, in control again. I decided to do something different today. I attacked the pile of stuff that's been sitting around for months. This consisted of stuff that wasn't vital right now but it will be in a few more months.

 I began to gradually feel better as the stack decreased. I went through over one-hundred imaging hits, attached a few thousand pages, wrote a number of very eloquent narratives...just got things done.

 I discovered the root of the dread I was facing every morning was this very thing. All that stuff that just piled up. I don't have time now. It's not terribly important. I'll get to it later.

 Much later, apparently.

 But, mission accomplished...I mean real mission accomplished not George's mission accomplished.

 Couldn't resist that dig.

 Thanks for listening.

03/17/2017

 The mood is up.

 And I'm enjoying it.

 I want to start by asking: Is there anyone who lives near enough to a Weis Market to shop there who is seriously struggling?

 When I say struggling, I mean like five bucks between payday kinda struggling.

 Anyway, the folks at Weis made me wait long enough for me to become annoyed. To placate me they gave me a gift card for twenty dollars. I don't need it. I accepted it anyway because of what I plan to do with it.

 If you desperately need groceries, please message me and I'll either hand it to you or mail it depending on how far away you are.

 If there are no takers, I intend to take it to work, pick out a client, and give it to them.

 Nuff said.

 I have always had more female friends than male friends.

 The reason being that there is very little filtering between what goes through my head and what comes out of my mouth. So I talk about things that make other men uncomfortable...like feelings. Women, on the other hand, are free to express their emotions so they're more likely to accept me the way I am.

 It's very difficult to approach a woman and attempt to make friends.

 Women are, understandably, skittish when a man says he just wants to be friends. Because that's exactly what the men who are trying to separate a woman from her clothing would say too.

 My reputation is tarnished. By other people. This is irritating but it is what is so I have to deal with it. It's helped a great deal that I've been friends with a number of Wendy's for the past five years so at least there are some people who know what I'm really like.

 I want to have friends.

 I enjoy doing things but if you're alone then life's pleasures have a different flavor.

 A thing shared is a thing treasured.

 Going it alone can get me down from time to time.

 But I'm not staying down so I'm okay with it.

 Thanks for listening