12/06/2016

 The mood is dreary.

 Rather like the weather. It's cold and wet today. If the temperature got above forty degrees it didn't last very long. The rain has been steady with no breaks since this morning. It's raining steadily but not pouring down so there hasn't been much flooding.

 My next therapy appointment is Thursday of next week. My last therapy appointment was in the first week of November. Therapy is one of those treatments whose efficacy can be determined by stopping. Where I had a place where I could go to make sense of the world and myself every two weeks, vent a little perhaps, I currently have no idea what's going to happen after this next appointment.

 My therapist has been assigned other work at the same clinic so I'll ether be seeing the only other therapist on the same schedule, I'll have to go to Lebanon if I want to be seen on the same schedule, or I won't be seen on the same schedule.

 I rather rely on things functioning in a reasonably predictable manner in order to deal with them. I dislike variables, they're sloppy. While I can eventually accommodate variables, the process is difficult and frequently painful.

 At least from an emotional standpoint.

 I thought I could get through okay until my next appointment. In this, as in many things, I was completely wrong. The only available appointment, at least on short notice, was in Lebanon today. The trip was slow. It's raining and it's cold so everyone is driving like there's a foot of snow on the road.

 Seriously folks. If you have to slow down to 40 then the interstate in very low visibility is probably not the best place to be. In the interest of your own safety you should consider another route. I wouldn't bet my life that that person driving the Expedition at 80 while answering a vitally important text-message will notice you in time.

 But I digress.

 The drive was lengthy and irritating. On the up side, I didn't have to wait very long because whoever was before me didn't show up so I got in early. On the down side, it was totally useless. I've discovered that I'm not going to be able to simply change therapists and move along.

 I've been seeing the same doctor since January of 2013. That's every two weeks. Apart from coworkers, he's the person I see most every month. It's a professional relationship but it's still a relationship. And there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to reach any kind of comfort level with a new person in a short period of time.

 So at least I learned something.

 With the large gap between sessions, I've been moody. Irritable. Depressed. A lot of this can be attributed to the time of year which why I needed to be in therapy in the first place. It works. It really does.

 Every year the office gets together with the Armory on North George Street to collect and distribute gifts for Christmas. The troops usually show up around one or two in the afternoon with the gifts and volunteers from work take them to the client's homes. I think this is an inter-service program because I saw some Air Force uniforms last year, I thought it was a USMC program.
 
 Our part of the program is to refer clients who can't afford presents and then deliver them. I volunteer to drive every year because I have cargo space. Nice Wendy goes too to handle anything I can't lift with one hand. It's one of the aspects of my job that I love. Some hands-on community service. It makes me feel good.

 For the delivery we drew the name of the elderly woman I'd referred. She's the same one whose husband passed-away on December 23rd in 2014. I was the only caseworker she'd ever had and she'd call me with pretty much any kind of problem. I was okay with this. I always am.

 After her husband passed-away, she was no longer my client. I have specialized caseloads so her own case went to the general caseload. But she'd still call me anyway. It was a few months before I was able to gently steer her toward her new caseworker.

 It wasn't that I didn't want to help her because she wasn't my client.

 Not true.

 I had to steer her away because managing someone else's case is against the rules and viewing anything is also against the rules. I explained this to my supervisor at the time and she was good enough to give me the time to let the client down easy.

 Which I appreciated.

 As a caseworker, I'm closely involved in other people's lives. I communicate with them regularly. They are usually in desperate situations. You just can't do this for thousands of people and not end up feeling something for someone every now and again.

 But feeling and action are two different things.

 A feeling is all I'm allowed so I'll take it. 

 Thanks for listening

12/07/2016

 The mood is tense.

 Today was the day to deliver presents to some of our clients. Nice Wendy and I do this every year. This year we drew the woman I'd referred. The elderly woman whose husband died two days before Christmas a few years ago. She found herself alone for the first time is sixty years.

 That is not a typo. Married sixty years.

 Can you imagine what it must be like? You have someone in your life, day in and day out for six decades. They are there. Always. And people get very comfortable with their relationships as time passes. And the thing you are fortunate enough to have is rock-solid. Always has been, always will be.

 But it's not.

 The Thief of Time steals all. So you find yourself at loose-ends for the first time since before I was born. When The Thief took away everything that was familiar and...necessary, I had no idea what to do.

 Everything that was no longer is.

 So I have a vague idea of what she must have been feeling, especially with the holiday only two days away. Christmas is no time to have funerals...it just isn't.

 With that kind of emotion involved the empathy was practically off the chart. Sometimes when someone nearby is experiencing strong emotions it can affect my behavior. I begin to feel what they're feeling, even if they think they're keeping it bottled-up.

 This isn't magic or telepathy or anything like that.

 It's just that no matter how well you think you're covering up your feelings you will display behavior that indicates clearly what you're trying not to show. There are a thousand details in this pattern. It's nothing I could explain, it just is.

 The level of grief was compelling.

 I don't know this for a fact but I'm reasonably certain that caseworkers occasionally feel for a client. I honestly don't see how it's possible not to.

 So, when events come up where we are doing something special for a number of individuals and families I put her name in for it. I hoped that some small gestures like this would remind her that she's not alone.

 But something went wrong.

 The troops showed up. There were only two this year, both Air Force. I shook hands with both and thanked them for doing this. But after everything had been moved into the office and sorted, the gifts for my client were missing.

 I had already called her to tell her we would be on our way in half an hour. Fortunately, one of the managers offered to call to say we weren't coming because I was just shattered. So I went back to my desk and moped for a little while and got some work done. Twenty minutes later someone brought the bag with her gifts around.

 It had been packed with another group by accident.

 So I called to say we really were coming this time but got the answering machine. I told her we were on our way. Nice called her when we were in her driveway but also got the answering machine. I knocked really hard on the screen door and she turned up a minute or two later.

 After showing my ID and assuring her I was not there to rob her she opened the door.

 It was kind of funny, really.

 We're supposed to deliver the gifts. That's it. We can carry them into the house but we can't stay. So when she opened the door and I introduced myself and offered to shake her hand she just grabbed my hand and literally pulled me through the door.

 Okay, so that really wasn't my fault. Truly. I mean, the woman is in her eighties and she's dragging me around like I'm a toddler. Resistance would have ruined the moment so I let it go. I introduced myself again then introduced Nice.

 I had turned my head to gesture to Nice when I was introducing her and before I finished giving her name the woman lunged at me hugged me. I'm guessing she was as happy to see me as I was to see her.

 On the drive back to Nice's car I said that the experience had been cathartic.

 I was not exaggerating.

 We have so very few of these moments in life.

 It makes them special.

 Don't let them pass you by.

  Thanks for listening

Wow!

CT,

I should have responded to your Thursday post sooner, but it was a lot to absorb.

Way too much. 

Painful as it must have been to write (and resurface) it was good--albeit vicariously painful--for me to come to some small measure of understanding as why you refer to a certain male as The Tyrant.

My own now-deceased MIL had one of those in her life, and she perpetuated some of those hideous M.O.'s.

Fortunately, the cycle was broken and ended with my wife.   As it appears to have ended with you.

No wonder you have such a capacity to care for those who have suffered all manner of abuse.

God bless you.

Tarnation:

It was one of the big reasons I was always afraid to be around children.

I watched myself very closely for any "Earl-isms".

He was a fine example of how not to be.

Oddly enough, I seem to be very popular with my friend's children.  I've been described as "freaking hilarious" and a recurring statement is "he treats me like I'm a person".

It's comforting to know that I can learn from other people's mistakes as well as my own.