02/18/2015 

The mood is agitated but manageable. 

This was not the case a few hours ago.

I was within spitting distance of a full-blown episode. Fortunately, this occurred just around break time. After standing in the cold and sucking down a record number of cigarettes in a 15 minute period, I felt much better. Or at least less unstable. 

Pennsylvania, or rather it's previous governor, pressed a massive change to the state's Medicaid program just before leaving office. This required a sweeping change to the computer system that caseworkers use to do their jobs. Ordinarily, when a system change of this magnitude is made, there is a pilot period. That's where the system is field tested in one or two Counties before being pressed into service statewide. Since this system had to be up and running in a matter of a couple of months, it was initiated statewide without a pilot program. 

There have been issues. 

I can't go into specific details, but it's become extremely difficult to do our jobs. We have problem cases piling up. We are not informed if or when things will be addressed. That last item is a big, big problem. Simply knowing if or when our problems will be addressed, possibly some status or a time line, would significantly reduce the stress level. 

This is, of course, one caseworker's opinion. 

The thing is, I really love my job. Some of the people in my office would think I'm unbalanced (I am, but they don't need to know that) for liking a job with such a staggering workload. But I function very well in a structured environment and I get some actual fulfillment from my work. 

I primarily help people who are facing the kind of medical debt that no one, and I mean no one, can manage. These are good people. People who worked hard all their lives, who put money aside, who managed to raise families, and who now require around the clock medical care. 

This is a very expensive service. 

Even those who put money aside for their retirements can see everything gone in a matter of months. Helping them stave off complete poverty is something that makes me feel good. The last years of someone's life shouldn't consist of a constant worry that your loved ones will be homeless and penniless when your gone. I'm at least able to provide some relief and I'm pleased and proud that our government sees fit to provide these services. 

I constantly hear complaints about people gaming the system. Everyone has a “I was in line behind this person using Food Stamps and they were buying...” story. That person is not the face of public assistance. The people that the folks with their story don't see are the ones who have worked hard all their lives, or the ones who are working hard now. Or the elderly. Or the disabled.

These are the people I serve and I will do everything in my power to help them. Regardless of what anyone thinks.  

You are seeing something. 

But you're not seeing everything. 

Thanks for listening  

Hang in there. CT.  I know your job only too well and understand what the hell you go through some days or weeks or months.  Hasn't the present governor reversed those changes?  I cannot imagine doing the job under these circumstances.

02/22/2015 

The mood is surprisingly light. 

Okay, so the big news is the big snow. We got around six or seven inches. Not as deep at the February snow last year but enough that I couldn't get my car our of the carport. 

Get this. I guess Windsor Township has two plow drivers. I waived at the daytime guy yesterday and gave him a thumbs up. He seemed pleased by the gesture. You know that snow and sludge that collects in intersections? Well, the nighttime plow guy decided to try to clear that up—by pushing it all in front of my carport. What the hell? In the three years I've been here they have never, ever done this. He didn't even do the other side of the effing intersection.

My opinion is that he was pissed because he couldn't plow my car under without driving onto the property so he tried to close off the route to the street. I stay tried because the lot is too long and he didn't have enough snow to plow it completely closed. 

My personal option is the nighttime plow guy is a dick. 

On to other snow-related things. I finally gave up on finding a denim jacket and ordered one from Amazon. I selected express delivery just because I could. I'm funny about money. It's an abstract thing. So I had it and I used it. At any rate, my jacket did not come. I sent a very polite e-mail to Amazon asking if they would adjust the delivery charge. Instead, they refunded the whole thing. Jolly nice of them if you ask me. 

I have a phone number for a lawn service that does snow removal from last year. This is the chap that kept forgetting about me—over and over again. He finally turned up at nine at night, three days after I called him the first time, with his kids in the truck. Yes, he forgot again. 

So I called him about 20 minutes ago. Miracle of miracles, he not only remembered who and where I was, he was actually in Windsor at the time. He showed up in just a few minutes and plowed out the Dealin Dave side of the house—unfortunately destroying all the hard work of the aforementioned dick. Yippee! 

Nothing like a big-assed truck, is there? 

I plan to try doing some cupcakes today to take in to work tomorrow. Looking forward to using my new mixing bowls. 

I heard back from Miss Alice, she read my last post. Apparently I was not the reason she was fired. As I suspected, my survey was just something someone compiled into a lot of soulless data that then then ignored. Alice sent me a very long letter explaining everything so the onus of guilt is gone. I was very happy to hear from her. She had some trouble when I was there. I was amazed at her pluck.

She's the only woman I ever knew who could turn cancer treatment into a fashion statement. 

Absolutely amazing. 

Thanks for listening.

 

So today marks the end of my first week at my new job. I think I'm going to like it here. There's a lot of freedom, the people are universally kind, and my officemates in particular are two very friendly ladies. (I don't do any of the same work as they do, we just "share space," but they've been great.) My boss is also nice, and our department's administrative assistant, who has been helping me a ton, is cool.

But it feels REALLY weird. I look around every morning and wonder, "How on earth did I get here?" There is a thing called imposter syndrome, where you always feel like someone will "find out" you're not actually very good at things, and I guess I feel a little like that. Not so much with the work - I'm pretty confident in my ability to do that or to figure out the things I don't know.

But just in general, with all the changes in my life this year, I've kind of got this perpetually dazed and confused state going on where I just can't quite figure out what happened, you know?

02/28/2015

The mood is relaxed and level.

The mood was way, way up on Wednesday and Thursday. While days when I am way up are enjoyable, there are also some drawbacks. I learned long ago that, while I'm in that state, I have to closely monitor my behavior. I have a tendency to be overly friendly with people I'm not close friends with.

This tends to make people uncomfortable.

As I mentioned before, my grasp on social interaction is poor. This is an autistic trait and not something I can do anything about. So on the way up days I have to stop and think before doing anything to determine if this is an appropriate thing to do.I find this annoying but it really cuts down on the number of times I creep someone out without intending to do it.

Sometimes I wish things could be different. Sometimes I wish I was normal. Sometimes I wish I could experience emotion the same way everyone else does. Days when I wish things like this are usually bad days.I once told a friend who was upset to forget about what you don't have an focus on the things in your life that you do have.

This has been in my mind for the past few days so I took the time to step outside myself and really look at who I was, and who I am.I have a home that I love. I have a job doing things I enjoy. I never want for food, or clothing, or shelter. I have friends that I love. Friends who love me. Friends who would be right here if I needed them.

I'm a very fortunate guy.

As far as social interaction goes; I've always been somewhat envious of my younger brother Thomas.

Thomas is one of those gregarious people who makes friends every where he goes. He fits easily into groups, even groups of strangers. He always has people around him and has always had people who liked being around him.This goes as far back as I can remember.I remember an incident in elementary school where three girls were sent to the office because they were fighting over who gets to stand next to Tom in the lunch line.

My mother told me that while he was in high school, she had come home and found Tom in the pool room with three girls...they were just swimming, mind you, but that's the kind of thing he always found easy to do.

I miss Thomas a lot.

The last time I saw him was when my dad died. He came up for the funeral. While that was a bad time, it does have some good memories. The three surviving brothers, Thomas, myself, and Chris went to dinner together. I remember telling them that this may be the last time we're all together.I remember the night before Thomas left for Texas. We were all in Chris' kitchen, drinking beer, and laughing. It was a good gathering at a bad time.

I've always wondered why I'm so different from my brothers. I was the only one who needed glasses, the only one who needed braces, and the only friends I could find were social outcasts.

Learning about myself has been an experience. It's something I wish I had started decades ago. It's helped a great deal in interacting with people. If you asked some of the people who I work with to describe me in one word, that word would probably be eccentric, or strange, or even bizarre.

But that's me.

And I'm okay with it.

Thanks for listening