So it was really a measurement of virtue....an assessment of your default behavior.

Our default behavior, our "real self", can be a very scary thing.  

It usually reveals how much work there is to do.

I know I have a lot of unfinished business.

10/06/2016

 The mood is sad.

 I've lost another friend.

 This happens from time to time and I have no idea why. No clue as to what I did to deserve being abandoned. Ignored. Treated as if I don't matter.

 Abandoning me is an unforgivable sin.

 This is what my brother did to me. This is what my former friends in Florida did to me. I won't stand for it.

 I'm shaking badly. It's difficult to type. This sort of emotion is devastating. It colors everything. It won't stay down. So I'm giving it to you. If anyone is there and anyone is reading this, thank you for taking a piece of something that is too large for me to handle on my own.

 Strangely enough, I'm not angry at all. Just sad. It's hard to let go.

 I don't know what else to say.

 Thanks for listening.

10/11/2016

 The mood is edgy.

 I've quit reading posts on Facebook. It's impossible to see the posts I want to see without running over something political. And all of the anger, the rage, the hatred, was beginning to bleed into my personality.

 You see, empathy works in both directions. I can feel for someone who needs a friend, or a hand, or just a kind word. But I also feel the strong emotions in the other direction. The things I said above. The only way to be free of those feelings is to avoid the causes.

 I managed to avoid the plague going around the office. I thought I was going to get it because I had that tickle in my throat that presages coughing fits. I didn't get them. I'm armed with two big bags of Halls...or the store brand anyway. This time I got honey-lemon and cherry.

 I have no idea why I got the Blue-Death flavor last time. It was like having an entire eucalyptus tree shoved up your nose. It was effective but effective in the way that dumping iodine on an open wound is effective.

 So I'm feeling okay lately I'm comfortable with my life. There are some things I'd like to have or to do but I'm not in any kind of need anymore. I got through one of the worst parts of the year without falling apart. I haven't missed work in a long time.

 I'm doing okay.

 I don't have a lot to say today.

]Thanks for listening.

10/12/2016

 The mood is up.

 I overdrew my checking account...buying books. Sometimes I forget to check the balance and the transactions that haven't posted yet before pushing the buy button. So I had to walk up to the bank on Market Street to put some cash in the account to cover it.

 I blame Amazon for this.

 If they hadn't made it so easy to buy a book I would have never sunk my self and gotten slapped with an overdraft charge. As I mentioned previously, I am a bookaholic. No I will not go to treatment. No I will not go to meetings.

 I want the books dammit!

 I'm fortunate in that I have quite a few writers who are Facebook friends. For some reason, I can relate better to people who carry whole worlds with people and places and things around in their heads because I mostly have the same thing going on.

 One of my friends is in that struggling artist phase. He's working hard while also keeping up with his bills and spending time with his family. It's the paying dues thing. I actually stumbled across one of his fantasy novels by accident. It was listed in the free fantasy thing on Facebook as free for two days so I got a copy.

 Now I read anywhere from five to ten novels a month depending on length. I'm always seeing new authors in addition to grabbing books from my favorites. I know what good writing looks like. That novel just pulled me in. I could feel for the characters. The places were vivid. The action stunning.

 So how does an author get recognition? Honestly, I think that novel would fit nicely on the best seller list. I don't know anything about how authors go about being published but I imagine the big publishers like TOR are flooded with submissions. Or they only take submissions from agents who only take clients who are already big.

 Okay, enough said. I think this guy is good, I'm looking forward to the next novel in the series. And I think he could go places if he'd just get the right recognition.

 The novel is called Trollbreaker. It's on Amazon. The author is Michael Kanuckel. Pick up a copy or download a sample. If you like fantasy you'll love this book.

 My older brother's birthday is October 26th. I'd like to send him a gift card or something. Just a short back history...we haven't spoken to each other for over two years. There was an issue with a broken promise.

 Anyway. Chris is the kind of person who feels that if you give him something he's obligated to give something in return. Chris took me in when I moved back from Florida. My plan...if you can call it a plan...was to put my stuff in storage and stay in one of those cheap motels that do long-term renting.

 I was grateful. He bailed me out in one of the most difficult periods of my life. He shares the house with...well, I'm not sure what you'd call that relationship. Anyway, there were four people there total.

 If I was going to the store I'd ask if anyone needed anything. I would get what they asked for. I did not need to be paid back. I was living there. I would pick up things without being asked and Chris always, always, made me take money for it.

 I'm just not that kind of person. If I have something and I don't need it and I give it to someone else I don't expect to be paid for it. I do not have to get something in return.

 It's a gift.

 So, anyway, Chris's birthday is coming up and I'd like to send something but I'm worried that he'll feel obligated to send something in return. I don't want that to happen. So I'm not sure if I should do this.

 But I want to.

 He's still my brother no matter what.

 Thanks for listening.