Conspiracy Theory wrote:

Can't say I blame you.

I'm actually specialized in LTC and Waiver MA so I'm familiar with the programs...well, familiar enough to know I'll never qualify for them.

CT,

The facilities we license accept both MA and private insurance. I am pretty sure the place I provided the link also accepts private insurance.  There is a good chance our insurance through would cover this. The program is like a regular outpatient therapy, except it specializes in treating people with autism as well.

09/29/2016

 The mood is highly agitated.

 I stayed home yesterday. I hate doing that but sometimes things reach a point where it would be dangerous to be around other people.

 When I tell people this they immediately think I'm capable of become violent. Whey I say it will be dangerous, I mean it will be dangerous for me. It's the kind of state where any variable that I can't resolve may end up in a complete breakdown.

 So it's best to avoid variables. People, for instance.

 Work today was one of those kind of days where nothing went right. Every attempt I made to get cases either opened, closed, or altered met with some sort of minor disaster that brought everything to a screeching halt. It was the kind of day where I just wanted to bash my head against a wall over and over and over until it all went away.

 Everyone has days like this so you know what I'm talking about.

 I'm home now, taking deep breaths. Sinking into a narrative. Relaxing. I keep forgetting what day it is because I was home on Wednesday so I'm looking at Friday but feeling Thursday. If that makes any sense.

 I've noticed something.

 People don't really listen to each other. I mean, people talk and other people hear them but they're not really listening. I took a few minutes to observe conversations between other people. It was very strange. People were talking to other people who were talking at the same time.

 I'm not sure how they pull this off.

 I mean, if you're talking and someone else is talking at the same time how to you listen? Is that even possible? And if everyone is talking and no one is listening then what's the point in talking at all?

 For my part, if two or more people are talking at the same time, I get word-salad in my brain. I can hear everyone just fine but nothing anyone is saying makes any sense. It's impossible to divide things up to where they're coherent.

 So it's just noise.

 I've made a number of observations over the past few weeks. We, the people, are going out of our way to tear ourselves apart. There is so much anger and hostility and people are going out of their way to add fuel to the fire. Things are moving in the exact opposite direction of any resolution.

 We can't keep going like this. I can see where this is all headed and I'm terrified. What is perplexing is that no one else seems to see this. Or they see this but don't care. Is this blindness or apathy?

 I'm leaving nothing behind in this world but an urn full of ashes feeding a tree. I honestly can't understand how people with loved ones, spouses, siblings, children, grand children, can just watch as we plummet into disaster. We're moving toward a climate of constant fear, rage, hatred, all of the emotions that destroy.

 We're tearing ourselves apart and no one cares.

 Is this the kind of world you wanted for your children?

 What will you leave behind?

 Thanks for listening.

We had such a long dry spell that a lot of maroons forgot how to drive in the rain.

Turn your healights on and S.T.F.D.

On the bright side, today might have removed a few of the really rotten drivers from the road before the first snow.

10/01/2016

 The mood is a little on the sadness side.

  It's nothing bad, just a low-grade loneliness. I'm at home right now. By myself. I went out earlier to get some Twisted Tea, get gas before my Weis gas points expire, and pick up some snacks. I was very tempted by the wide array of chocolate that Sheetz carries but settled on some trail-mix. The kind with dried fruit.

 I posted a picture of my bookshelf on Facebook and asked if anyone could see what was on the second shelf.

 It's a toy robot. The robot from the Lost In Space series. It has a motion sensor so when it's turned on and someone gets near it it delivers that classic, iconic warning that anyone over fifty would know by heart.

 It only just occurred to me recently what the significance of the robot's designation was. It was a Model B-9. I never latched on to the fact that the model number is pronounced “Benign”.

 A benign robot.

 The Lost in Space series was on TV right in the middle of the “Computer Paranoia” era. Industrial robots were replacing people in jobs that involved repetitive work like welding, riveting, metal stamping, that kind of think.

 From the early 1950's through the 1990's people were proclaiming loudly that computers were taking over the world. One of my favorite movies from that era was called “Colossus, The Forbin Project”. A computer scientist named Forbin, along with a team of experts, built a computer capable of abstract thought.

 That is to say, Colossus could connect non-related ideas and project likely outcomes.  

 Colossus was given command of the USA's nuclear arsenal with the edict that it protect us. While in operation it discovered that Russia had also built a massive, self-aware computer. Colossus liked the company and was communicating with the other computer constantly.

 With the enemy computer.

 So Forbin had the wire link to the other computer blocked. Colossus tried many different ways to connect but couldn't get there. Keep in mind, this was 1964. The concept of wireless communication was still in the formative stages.

 To get in touch with the other computer, Colossus needed a land-line.

 After a number of attempts to reconnect, Colossus delivered an ultimatum. Either restore the link or I nuke a city in Russia. Forbin decided to take a hard stance and refused, convinced that Colossus wouldn't do something like that.

 So the time expired and Colossus launched a single ICBM. In response, the computer in Russia launched one too. So then Forbin decided it might be a good idea to reconnect them. This took a few minutes since they had physically blocked the line.

 The missiles were just minutes from their targets when the connection was restored. The computer in Russia self-destructed the missile it had launched. For the one Colossus launched, it was too late. A city in Russia evaporated.

 Russia did not respond with more missiles because, by that time, their supercomputer had taken command of everything. Just like Colossus. The rest of the movie is people trying to find a way out. Searching for a way to shut both systems down.

 They weren't successful.

 Near the end, Colossus delivered this message: “If you obey me, you will survive.” That movie line nearly cost me the job I currently have.

 I have something of an adolescent, very abstract sense of humor. During the 1990's people became worried because practically every computer in the country only had two digits to identify what year it is. No one knew for sure what would happen when the last two digits turned to zeros.

 Is it 2000 or is it 1900?

 I recorded a sound bite from that move. The line “If you obey me you will survive” was the greeting on my voice mail. It was there for around three years.

 I tested for the caseworker job and was interviewed on September second or third in 2001. I don't remember the exact date. Things were very favorable and I felt good about my chances of being hired.

 Then 9/11 happened.

 And suddenly, everyone was afraid. Including the person who had called to offer me the job. They heard the voice greeting and hung up without leaving a message. I never even knew they called. So, after about a week or so, I called and asked if there was anything I could do that would help my application.

 Two days later I got a letter in the mail saying I was denied the job because they found my voice greeting threatening and inappropriate. My first reaction was that I blew a fuse. I was furious. Then my emotions started tangling and I couldn't stop crying. So I did what everyone does when they're hurt.

 I called my mom.

 She came over and talked me down. She encouraged me to call the office and see if there was any way to make this right. So I did. I was transferred to the director (his first name was Fred, don't recall what the last name was) and said there had been some kind of misunderstanding and could I come talk with him.

 I was working from home at the time so I got dressed in something spiffy then went down there.

 We sat down in Fred's office and I told him this; During the era of computer paranoia, people were convinced computers were going to take over the world. The the 1990's came and suddenly people became paranoid because computers couldn't tell what year it was.

 We were so worried about computers being too smart, and it turned out they were too stupid to tell time.

 I found this amusing so I had mighty Colossus taking my phone called and delivering his impotent threat; “If you obey me you will survive”. I told him I was guilty of nothing more than a very abstract, adolescent sense of humor and I apologized for giving the impression that I was some whack-job (which I was, just not the way they were thinking)

 At the end of our talk he offered me the job and the rest is history. It took time to recover from the level of distress I was in owing to that letter and the horror of 9/11. At it's peak, I'd been ranting about calling my representative or complaining to the governor's office...just all sorts of preposterous stuff that wouldn't have changed anything.

 I changed my life for the better with a phone call and a quiet talk.

 Truly, that's all it ever takes.

 I wish I lived in that kind of world.

 Thanks for listening.