06/01/2016

 The mood is ruffled and irritable.

 I've discovered online grocery shopping. My pod-spouse, Deb, suggested it after having to listen to me complain loudly about the difficulties I have in crowded environments. If I'm going to some place like a grocery store, I either have to do it in the middle of the night or have a chaperone.

 Usually, one of the Wendy's would go with me. 90% of the time that was Nice Wendy. I'm fortunate to have her in my life. The Wendy's are about the only people I know that can tolerate me over long periods of time. I just get far too agitated in social situations and have a tendency to either withdraw or start babbling.

 
The babbling part almost always includes saying things that people just don't say. Mostly because I'm clueless when it comes to socializing. I mean, I can learn about social situations but my ability to adapt to them is always minimal.

 For example, I just cranked out three paragraphs that are completely unrelated to what I began talking about.

 So, back to online shopping. It's possibly the coolest thing I've encountered in years. For a fee of 2.50, someone at Weis Markets will gather everything I need and haul it out to my car. I don't have to worry about a rising sense of panic and end up leaving the store with a lot of stuff I didn't really need and without most of the stuff I did need.

 I can assemble a list over a period of days, review it as needed, then place my order. If they're out of something they'll call, we'll kick some alternatives around, then they get everything together. This has done wonders for my emotional state. I don't get upset while shopping and I don't upset other people by chattering away to myself. Generally, the more agitated I become, the more I begin to vocalize what I'm thinking.

 Apparently this makes other people uncomfortable. Sucks to be them.

 The drive home was much better today. The construction at the top of the hill at Mount Rose Avenue and Route 24 is nearly done. The intersection that was traditionally backed up for half a mile or so every day between 3 and 6 in the afternoon now has two lanes in each direction with additional turn lanes.

 No more traffic jams. Yippee!

 Someone told me the reason for all of the traffic yesterday was because an abandoned house at the intersection of Springwood Road and Pauline Drive had caught fire and burned down. Now, this is just one intersection. And blocking that intersection clogged up traffic, not only for miles to either side of it, but for miles in every direction.

 This brings to mind a question. If there are 4 fire trucks, an ambulance, and 11 police cars on the scene, why isn't anyone directing traffic? I would think it would just be common sense to have the roads in the area cleared in case other emergency vehicles need to get through. Also, it would make sense to keep traffic moving to avoid the collateral events involved when people do things like driving over peoples lawns, over curbs, or into an oncoming traffic lane in an effort to get out.

 Okay, so that's the traffic rant.

 I picked up some pork ribs today. I did some beef ribs over the weekend that I wasn't thrilled with so I though it'd try pork this time. I did forget to get some marinade so I had to be a little creative. I have some V-8 punch that may or may not have actual fruit-juice in it so I used that for a base. I mixed in some mesquite liquid-smoke, teriyaki sauce, and some molasses-bacon spice.

 I've always preferred a fruit-juice base for pork ribs. Pineapple is preferred but just about any kind of juice will do in a pinch. I'm marinading what are called 'ribblets'. They're basically a rack of ribs cut off short. The bones are about an inch or so long. I'll be slapping some hickory smoke barbecue sauce on them.

 It seems that no matter what I talk about, writing seems to calm me. I mean, it's just a one-way conversation but it always helps to tell someone your troubles. Sort of unburden, if you will. I spend a significant amount of time alone so, outside of my bi-weekly therapy sessions, this is about my only option.

 It's hard to do sometimes. I'm writing this knowing that someone else will be reading it. That's the idea, after all. But people aren't the same all the time. We have many faces. Or many masks. The personalities we wear when we're in public differ greatly from the one beneath the mask.

 So I tell myself that I have to say what's really on my mind. Otherwise, this is just a work of fiction. A story that I tell that is nowhere near the truth. And, sometimes, it's difficult to open up. Sometimes it's hard to see myself. The real me. The one I have to live with.

 What I choose to say is just as important as what I choose not to say. I have to ask myself why I want to keep something to myself. Embarrassment? Shame? Possibly guilt?

 Wringing out a soul can be painful sometimes.

 But keeping it inside can be worse.

 Thanks for listening

CT it's really good you have found an outlet to help clear your mind of all the pain/clutter/life we are exposed to everyday.

My Mom (84) does a journal, hand written on yellow legal pad everyday. She starts in the morning and usually it's the last thing she does before going to bed. It's an extremely high priority for her. Even if exhausted she has to write in the journal. No detail is too small to write about. My guess is she has been doing this for 30 years or more and has saved every journal written. I have wondered at times if there would be someway to make all of journals into a book. I guess it would be like the Seinfeld show where the plot of the show was about nothing. Important to the people involved but not so to others.

Keep writing it's good for your soul!

Conspiracy Theory wrote:

Flower:  I exaggerated the number of police cars somewhat.  Not sure of the exact count but there were at least five.

CS:  That must be a fascinating read.  Have you read it?

I have read some of them but not many. She will from time to time go back and read them.
I will be talking with her and she will say do you remember X. And then go in great detail about it or she will read what she wrote. The last time she did it the stories were from when we were in school. Memories from long ago.
 

06/03/2016

 The mood is highly agitated.

 I'm having trouble sitting still and focusing on one thing at a time. Way too scattered. This is not an unusual state at the end of a week but it's much more severe.

 I spent the last hour or so at work sorting mail. I didn't have a great deal of it but most of it was perplexing in a way that had nothing to do with the fact that I currently have the laser-sharp focus of an eight-year old...after about twelve sodas.

 I've been working for the state for fifteen years. I know what sort of stuff to expect. But, even after all this time, I'm still running into things that just leave me stunned. I ask why. I ask how. I ask these things knowing the answer will always be “because”. Period.

 Things that don't fit into the functional patterns fall under the heading of 'variable'. Variables are generally set aside until things that do fit have been dealt with. Today, most of what I was working on ended up being set aside.

 This tends to upset me. So, right now, I'm trying to put it all down. Hence the agitation.

 Okay, the good things from today.

 I've begun using a different route home and it's been working out very well. I spend very little time sitting in traffic, it passes right by the grocery store where I do my online shopping. And...drum roll...there's a Wendy's!

 Woo hoo!

 So I picked up some stuff from the store then reloaded my Frosty supply. Got four of those puppies in the freezer. I'm hooked up for the weekend! I have a few Twisted Tea's in the fridge so there will be some alcohol and some NetFlix movies tonight.

 I've been thinking a great deal about the nature of reality.

 I find the whole thing both fascinating and perplexing. I'm self aware. I have senses that engage with everything outside of myself. I know things. I have memories. So how could I end up not being? How can all this just be shut off? For good?

 It's completely possible that everything I sense has no actual reality. The brain can be fooled into perceiving things that simply aren't there. The allegory of line and cave. The only thing I can truly be certain of is thought. It's the only thing that doesn't originate outside of the self.

 The senses we rely on most do not function in real time. You are not seeing objects. You are seeing the light reflecting from objects. And light has a limited rate at which it moves. With objects close by the lag time is so short that it's not noticeable.

 But stretch that distance several hundred thousand miles and you are now not seeing what is, you are seeing what was. If the sun were snuffed out in an instant, it would take seven and a half minutes before we'd know about it. Nothing we see in the nighttime sky is where it appears to be. Some of what we see may not even exist anymore.

 Sound also moves at a set rate of speed. Something causes a vibration in a medium, it travels to our ears, and the eardrum resonates.

 So, if we can only perceive what was, how can we be sure of what is? By altering light or vibrations in a medium we could see and hear things that aren't actually there. How can we distinguish between something that actually is and something that was? Or even something that isn't?

 Is it even possible?

 It looks like I'm going to be doing a great deal of pondering tonight.

 Thanks for listening. 

You should apologize to that poor innocent filing cabinet.  

LOL.

Seriously, you've had some time in seclusion, you've confessed the less-than-appropriate (but perfectly understandable) response to a bizarre attack of the cyber-gremlins; now it is time to step out and step us; say something like "I really didn't intend to frighten you and I feel horrible that I did--please forgive me"; and move one.