01/22/2016

 The mood is very unstable.

 I'm swinging wildly from anxiety, to black depression, to a feeling of hopelessness or profound sense of loss.

 I had to leave work early today. I really didn't want to but it was becoming increasingly more difficult to focus on anything long enough to do anything useful. Everything was too loud, lights were too bright, I was getting a severe headache...one of those ones where my eyes feel like they're too big for my head.

 I miss people...a lot.

 I'm talking about specific people. While I was on active duty, I became a role-playing game geek. It was the most amazing thing I'd every experienced. I'm a dyed-in-the-wool fantasy novel addict. I devour as many as four or five novels in the average week.

 Discovering role-playing games changed my world. Imagine, not just reading the novel but participating in it. Directing it. Determining what happens and where things are going. And it was all with people who were largely like me. Social misfits with wild imaginations and staggering levels of creativity.

 Artists without a canvas.

 It was my niche for more than a decade. Every base I went to had gaming groups at the rec centers or ran games from their homes.

 There was one group in particular that I'll always remember.

 I was stationed at Laughlin Air Force Base in the thriving metropolis of Del Rio Texas...population 12. I'm exaggerating...a little. Anyway, I hooked up with a group completely by accident. I was trying out some archery at an indoor range and ran in to a couple who were part of a gaming group.

 We got along from that very first meeting and I met a lot of new people who were essentially like me. We had games every weekend, and on holidays, basically any time we could fit one in. We'd game together, go to movies, go to dinners, have the occasional jaunt into Mexico (just 6 miles away)...all sorts of stuff.

 I'd found a place. Somewhere where I was accepted. Somewhere where I was cared for. Loved. Like family. Or at least like my perception of what family should be like. I belonged.

 But The Thief of Time takes everything away, eventually. While I was where I wanted to be, safe, secure, comfortable; the world moved on. The earth turned. Things changed. And we all ended up going our separate ways.

 My view of reality is child-like. I just can't understand why I can't stay where I want to be. Why things end up being altered. Why there's no going back. Why things can never be the way they were. It's like being on a roller-coaster you can't get off of. There's no way to stop and trying to get off in the middle of the ride will end badly.

 So it's one of those days where my thoughts are running in that direction. And all I can feel is a profound sense of loss. I have fond memories of those times but they end up being over-shadowed by the desperate need to be there.

 And there's no way that's ever going to happen.

 Just wanted to get this out for now.

 There's likely to be an addendum later.

 Thanks for listening.

03/03/2016

 The mood is still very relaxed.

 I've discovered something recently. I'm finding it somewhat unsettling.

 When I started doing this the idea was to find ways to be a better man.

 But that isn't what I've been doing.

 Ranting about the ills of society is a dead end. Anyone can do it. But in doing so I completely overlooked the only thing I truly have control of—myself. How can I be a better man? Not “Society would be great if everyone did things the same way I do”

 So I appear to have gotten sidetracked...a lot.

 I think this is the first true reflection I've engaged in in months.

 So, this is going to be clumsy. It feels like I'm starting all over again. I have to unlearn the bad habit of examining Society and return to examining the self. Trying to avoid generalization and excessive commentary on something that has no relevance at all.

 Society is a collection of individuals.

 I can only make one individual a better man.

 Thanks for listening

Wow.  Okay, so I finally finished one.  I've been getting about half-way through then saving and walking away.  Sorry, it's not proofed.  A little too shaky to press on.



03/16/2016

 The mood is a little over-wound.

 But not in a bad way. In fact, I had gotten to the stage where I babble incessantly about every last thing. I mean, my poor pod-mom Joan spent ten minutes trying to politely escape since her day ended while I was just jabbering on and on.

 Kinda like that.

 (Listen for the grinding noise as I attempt to change gears)

 An anthropologist name Robin Dunbar devised a theory regarding the size of a brain in mammals. Based on the size of a brain, he could roughly determine the maximum number of individuals this brain could store detailed information about.

 That is to say, there is a limit to how many people you can have direct information about. He was very accurate when testing his theory. Dunbar created a list, or a set of tables, or something...I'm not thoroughly familiar with this subject. The number is referred to as the Dunbar number.

 The Dunbar number for a human is one-hundred and fifty. A human brain is large enough to detailed information on about 150 people.

 What I'm thinking about is what happens with the seven or so billion other people?

 Certainly, I'm aware they exist. I haven't directly contacted a majority of people on this planet but with media the way it is it's not difficult understand they're there. So I have a circle of roughly 150 people. I know their names...mostly. I recognize facial features, hair color, clothing, etc...

 I was kicking this around when I realized the primary difference between the people in the Dunbar number and the people outside the circle; I was not thinking of the people outside as individuals. They were invariably assigned to some form of 'other' category.

 As massed sort of 'they' or 'them'.

 And I realized that anything at all could happen to 'them' and there would be little or no emotional impact. Apparently this is because of the size of my brain. Because I can't 'know' an unlimited number of people.

 And there's no emotion at all attached to this realization.

 I'm pondering whether or not there should be.

 And I'm hoping I can scrunch things up enough to fit number 151 in.

 Or more. I like knowing people. They're basically very interesting when taken in small enough doses.

 People do the oddest things. Or, at least, things that look odd to me...okay, I'm probably not the best standard of comparison for what constitutes 'odd'.

 I tossed this bit in because I'm really drawing a blank as far as reflection goes. It used to be quite easy. Everything would assemble itself throughout the day and the only thing left to do was write it down.

 I'm a little overloaded at work right now so I have very little time for observation and commentary. I'm hoping once I get caught up things will start to flow again. Right now it's a total log-jam.

 Still, I'm having very good days. Apart from the occasional crankiness things are going very well.

 And I'm well aware of the good things in my life.

 Or, at least, as many as I can fit in my head. That's okay enough for me. Thanks for listening  

So sorry you had car trouble and in all places and time, in Mississippi in the wee hours, during your trip.  As we grow older family becomes more and more important to us and hopefully, you now understand this after making this trip.  From what you've written it sounds like it was a wonderful time for you, especially, and look at you--already planning a return visit. Flying to Houston will give you even more time to spend with all those great people! 

04/23/2016

 The mood is up.

 Another is a long string of up-days. The darkness that shades a disproportionate space in my life isn't gone but it's...manageable. It's manageable because I have people who love me. That makes all the difference in the world.

 Or, at least, in my world.

 I feel good about getting things accomplished today. I've been needing a new shower curtain for quite a while now. At some point, no matter how carefully you dry it, or how much you bleach it, the 'pink death' eventually becomes unmanageable.

 I'm talking about that nearly invisible fungus or mold or alien invaders...whatever the hell it is, that comes in pink and eventually won't go away no matter what you do. So my shower curtain has been pink for several weeks now.

 It's kinda like wiper blades. You remember them when you use them but forget as soon as you get out of the car. So I set today aside with that singular mission in mind.

 My shower stall is home-made. It looks like the cut the floor out of a larger stall then used fiberglass panels and sealant to make the stall. Apparently there's a standard size for the curtain and they got the size right from side-to-side but the bar is about four inches too low so I have to cut the bottom off of the curtain.

 I learned the hard way that those little round weights need to be there. Once I stepped out of the shower and onto a very squishy mat I learned. So I have to cut the bottom off, then cut out the weights, then tape them back on—duct tape, of course!

 I got two curtains this time since it's hard to find curtains that are sized for a stall and not for the full-length bathtub type of shower. It's a huge pain in the hinder trying to cut a full-length curtain down so it fits.

 The weather had cleared up by the time I left the house so I also stopped by to take the new Thingy for it's first wash at that car-wash on East Market street. I don't know what the hell it's called now. Seems like that place changes hands very few weeks so I don't keep track anymore.

 It looks really pretty sitting in the carport. I had the windows tinted earlier this month and I got some in-channel deflectors for the windows. I love the way it looks. And the fact that I'm not terrified the transmission is going to explode any minute now is definitely a plus.

 I picked up some new clothes from Target. I'm happy I can do laundry again without everything coming out looking like I slept in them...for weeks. The new dryer works great. I'm never, ever buying another appliance from Sears. Screw them.

 I actually went out into the world today. Went places with people there. And did okay with it. I still much prefer having one of the Wendy's along but I managed and I feel okay about that.

 I'd picked up three bags of charcoal the last time I did my online shopping at Weis and I'm down to my last bag. I've been grilling just about every meal for the past two weeks. The poor, lonely gas-grill is quietly corroding without me.

 It's like crack. Once you start cooking on charcoal, you never want to stop.

 A friend is in pain right now and I'm doing my best to be a friend. Making her laugh even when she feels like crying. This is important, I think.

 I spent the day pondering some abstract stuff. I was thinking about the word 'respect'. Not just the definition but how it's used.

 I know what respect means. That's easy enough. The thing is, respect always struck me as something that is earned, not something that is owed. I've never been able to understand how I can respect someone without even knowing them.

 It seems to me that many people believe they are owed respect without doing anything at all to earn it. In fact, many people appear to demand respect while actively saying or doing things that make me feel anything but respect for them.

 Social interaction is not something I do well with so perhaps I'm misunderstanding the use of the word. But the expectation of respect while utterly failing to live up to the concept is confusing.

 I hear the term 'disrespect' used a great deal when someone believes they are not being shown respect. Disrespect is an action just as much as respect. A lack of respect doesn't automatically mean disrespect. Disrespect is earned just as much as respect is.

 If someone is being 'disrespected', there's probably a good reason for it. So why does 'disrespect' imply a failing in others and not a failing in oneself? I've been turning this over in my head because I think I might be misunderstanding the word.

 My thought on the matter is that people seem to be confusing 'dignity' with 'respect'. Dignity is a thing that is owed. At least in my view of the world.

 Show me some respect??

 Show me you deserve it.

 Thanks for listening.