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10/13/2015 11:30 am  #191

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

Must hve been  after I graduated.  Never heard of him.


10/13/2015 4:58 pm  #192

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

What was up with Halloween III Season of the Witch?

First off, it's a Halloween sequel.  Where's Michael Myers?

Second, no witches.

Third, seriously, give children scary masks then turn them all into monsters with a TV show?

Everyone knows TV turns children into zombies, not monsters.

Michael Myers should have turned up and whacked whoever was responsible for that steaming pile of poo.

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

10/29/2015 4:20 pm  #193

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread


 The mood is agitated.

 There are probably a number of reasons for such a mood. I've quit smoking again...again. It's the time of the year when I am haunted by a number of ghosts. My emotions are never what you'd call entirely stable.

 The list goes on.

 Anyway, I do this journal because it's therapeutic. It helps. It really does. But the only way it works is if someone else sees it. Otherwise it's the same as keeping everything bottled up. The only difference is whether or not it's on paper.

 Our office's 'fall festival' is tomorrow. I'm not 100% certain why it isn't being called a Halloween party but I'm good with it either way. There are lots of decorations going up. I've gotten lots of pictures. I get to wear a costume...which I really like. Mostly because people tend you become uncomfortable if I wear it any other time of the year.

 I miss being able to go to Halloween parties at bars or clubs. This was a great deal of fun and I do a dynamite zombie costume. I even won costume contests. The makeup usually took several hours to put on and almost as much time to take off again. The car seats needed to be covered because there was a wide variety of fluids involved. And since I couldn't touch anything without leaving green stuff behind I never had to be the designated driver so I got to indulge in festive beverages.

 Age and some battle damage have conspired to limit my choice of costumes. Since I need a cane to keep from ending up on the floor, I've had to resort to costumes that incorporated something along those lines. Being the fantasy junkie I am, I choose to stick to wizard outfits.

 I have a very nice 6 foot bamboo staff I got at a flea market in Florida that I decorate with string and feathers along with some black, silky robes...ankle length, with a hood and some other arcane-looking stuff. I usually wear contact lenses because, unless you're Harry Potter, having glasses on kinda ruins the effect. So I'm getting all dressed up tomorrow.

 Ironically, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist before work. That should be entertaining.

 For the fall festival, each unit is setting up tables with food, drinks, snacks, and decorations. There will be no shortage of things to eat tomorrow.

 Which brings me to one thing about this that falls under the heading of therapeutic. That is to say, I need to get this out because it's really bothering me. The festival was announced by an office-wide email and was also announced at our unit meeting.

 The announcements went over what the times are. What will be available. And what the rules are as far as costumes go. We still have to see people throughout the day and it wouldn't do to have the sort of costume that makes small children scream and run away.

 What is bothering me is the last statement of the announcement. It said “if you don't bring anything, don't take anything.” This is bothering me for a number of reasons but the biggest reason is that I know what it feels like to be made to feel as if I wasn't welcome. To be excluded. To be in the middle of something that you're being left out of.

 I know what it's like when five bucks makes all the difference in the world between paydays. To have everything you have already committed with no room for anything else. I know what it's like having to spend every weekend at home because you can't afford to go anywhere or do anything.

 We have a large number of people working at my office. I know there are people who are living everything I just mentioned. There are very likely people there who would bring something if they could. People who are struggling. People who feel they aren't welcome. Maybe I'm just imagining this. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. I excel at that sort of thing.

 Then again, maybe not.

 I don't know for certain. So I choose to err on the side of compassion. There will be two-dozen donuts from Duncan Donuts in the long-term care pods tomorrow. Please feel free to stop by. It doesn't matter to me whether you brought anything or not.

 You are my coworkers, my colleagues, and in some cases my friends.

 You are welcome.

 And you are not alone.

 Thanks for listening.

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

10/29/2015 6:51 pm  #194

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

One thing for sure, CT, welfare workers like to party and llike to eat.  Must be the stress of the jobs.  I'm guessing that the statement "if you don't bring anything, don't take anything"  is meant to discourage coworkers who don't bother to participate except to partake of food brought in by others.  I saw it in my office all the time and usually it was the same people.  I know in my office it was not a case of not affording to purchase something.  In some instances it was individuals like yourself who maybe do little cooking.  But for those people I say--hey, there's always a delli somewhere.  I was always bothered by the employees who always signed up for napkins/paper plates or a bag of rolls and never brought in any food items.  Glad I don't have to deal with them anymore.


10/29/2015 7:20 pm  #195

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

+1 flowergirl.

I have mixed feelings--don't like to see anyone excluded yet those who are habitually "takers" need a firm hand of correction.

One of the hardest things for caregivers of all sorts is dealing with ingatitude and indifference, whether those negatives come from the clients served (which we can generally overlook and excuse because of the great needs) or from co-workers, which is a lot harder to explain much less excuse because generally their resources are greater.

Then again, did you thank God for the sunshine today?

Life is an Orthros.

10/29/2015 9:51 pm  #196

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

After a day of downpouring rain yesterday and terrible thunderstorms last night I know I was thankful for a day of sunshine today.  I sometimes think of the trash people who have to hoist those rain-soaked, newspaper-filled recycling bins.


10/29/2015 11:31 pm  #197

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

flowergirl wrote:

After a day of downpouring rain yesterday and terrible thunderstorms last night I know I was thankful for a day of sunshine today.  I sometimes think of the trash people who have to hoist those rain-soaked, newspaper-filled recycling bins.

Aye, and the school crossing guards  as well as all first responders, tow truck operators, etc.


Life is an Orthros.

11/06/2015 1:21 pm  #198

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

Sorry, haven't checked in for a while.

Flower, when they announced the rule for the party the first thing I said was "We're the Welfare Office".  The irony was staggering.  I mean we'll feed everyone but a co-worker?  Come on.

It just seemed so petty to me and including it in the flier and at the unit meetings just took all the fun out of it.  Like someone is keeping score?

Should they, perhaps, established levels of contributions?  Like if you didn't bring a hot dish you can't take anything from the hot dishes?

It's just an office function.  Who cares if someone who didn't bring anything eats?  What difference does it make?

I had had some financial difficulty just before I left Florida and some of you might recall.  They had an office party for Christmas and I couldn't afford to bring anything.  In fact I was almost out of food at my house.  I stayed in my office because I didn't contribute.

One of my co-workers actually filled a plate and brought it to me. As it turns out, I was the only one there who felt I didn't deserve to participate.

Yes there are people who never contribute who could.  But just like those people on assistance who have expensive cars or cell phones ect..., how do you distinguish between those in need from those who are just gaming the system?

As far as I know, there's no way to tell. 

So why punish someone who is truly in need because someone else is mooching?

What's wrong with giving?

Anyway, when they sent the final announcement out, hit 'reply to all' and said anyone who wants a donut can have one even if they didn't bring anything.

I hope that touched someone who really wanted to participate but couldn't.

Okay, I'm done ranting. 

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

11/23/2015 8:23 am  #199

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

Really getting some mileage out of the sarcasm font today. 

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

12/11/2015 3:24 pm  #200

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

 The mood is anhedonic.

 Or something like that. I'm really not sure how to describe it. I don't feel real. Nothing feels real.

 I haven't written anything in a long time. This is probably not a good thing. My therapy appointments have also been few and far between. Not because I haven't been going, it's just scheduling is difficult this time of year.

 The VA healthcare system is overloaded as it is. Toss in a vacation here and there and you're pretty much screwed. I had two sessions in October, none in November, and one this month that's scheduled for the 17th.

 I'm having trouble.

 It's becoming difficult to keep my thoughts in order. To many things happen, or have happened, or are happening all over again. I'm not sure if I'm feeling my own emotions or the emotions of everyone else. It's all very thick. There is expectation, anticipation, desperate need, sorrow.

 It affects how people behave. It's a group mind. All pointed at a single day. One day out of the entire year where all your hopes and dreams are fulfilled.

 Or at least that's the idea.

 The hard fact is that things aren't going to be what everyone trying to sell you stuff is telling you. There's no magic. There's no ultimate, show-stopping fulfillment. And the day after the day it all comes crashing down. Gone.

 I can feel this. I can feel all of this because it's so many people and it's so strong that it's bleeding into my thoughts...or my feelings...the feelings I can't seem to manage.

 I have a good life. I have a lot of good things in my life. I have a job that I love and that pays well and has good benefits. I have coworkers I really like and who seem to like me back. I have friends that love me and care about me. I'm safe. Secure.

 So why to I feel this way?

 The feeling is empty. Hollow. Like there's something I need but I have absolutely no idea what that something is.

 So what's been going on?

 One of my coworkers, Yvette, organizes a church service for veterans every year on the Sunday before veterans day. It's extremely unlikely that you'll find me in a church at any time of the year but when the office-wide email came I asked Bad if she wanted to go together and she agreed.

 There was a dinner in one of the rooms in the basement of the church. I was a little freaked out because the hallway leading to the room was very narrow with a very low ceiling and the room itself is about eight feet underground. The windows were very high up on the wall and very small, sorta like the kind of basement windows you find in houses in this area. There were a lot of people I didn't know but who were very friendly so I was okay with that.

 I was standing outside with Bad for about half and hour before the service. As the time got closer I told her I wasn't sure I could do this. I asked if we could get a seat somewhere near the door in case I needed to get out.

 We got a seat in one of the pews (that word always cracks me up) second from the last row and Bad held my hand through most of the service. Since I was mostly behind everyone else I felt okay.

 The service wasn't at all what I was expecting.

 There was singing, and dancing, and people jumping up and moving around, folks giving short speeches, and mimes and music. It was a lot of people expressing joy—and really meaning it. I felt like any time I went there I would be accepted, no questions asked.

 The part where all the veterans come up to the front for a special prayer was a little uncomfortable. I stayed at the end of the line an mostly hid behind Bad...which was kind of funny because I'm like a foot taller than her.

 Anyway, I got through the whole thing. Bad said she was proud of me so that made me feel good.

 Bad didn't have anything to do over Thanksgiving so she stayed over. We watched the latest Terminator movie, Bad made a lasagne which is one of my favorites. It was quiet. We mostly read and talked. I was feeling very flat. Again, I wasn't sure why.

 I've had a few bad patches over the past two weeks. I was out two days last week and called off yesterday. I went in this morning. It's my birthday on Sunday so the people in my unit brought in a bunch of food and got me a card. They all sang happy birthday which I liked but it involves being the center of attention which makes me want to crawl under my desk.
 Left work at lunchtime. It was so hard to focus on any one thing. I kept starting things then I would get distracted by something else then I'd find myself with half a dozen things all partially completed with no clue which thing I was supposed to be doing first. There was just too much noise in my head.

 Right now I'm hiding out in the living room with all of the shades closed. I finally cleared up the dishes that have been sitting in the sink for three or four days. I'll call that an achievement.

 It's my birthday this weekend. I don't have anything planned. I might go to Great American Saloon, have a few pina-coladas, maybe a steak, and read for a while. They have a nice bar table back by the kitchen. It's out of the travel lanes for the rest of the place so people don't see me.

 It took a little while to remember what my actual age is. I mostly used to remember it based on my birth order. Third. One in front who is gone. One after who is far away.

 When you see someone, you can get a general idea of their age based on their appearance. And people have expectations about how someone will behave based on that estimate of their age. And this tends to cause problems.

 Because in my head I'm still seventeen.

 Guess I always will be.

 Thanks for listening.

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

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