Very powerful posts.
Thanks CT for sharing this pain with us. My thoughts are with you. It takes incredible courage to open up someone's private pain. So many people present a sanitized, fantasy version of themselves online with such vehicles as Facebook. Your brutally honest writing reminds us all that suffering is an inevitable part of life.
That is real, powerful, and helpful.

Helpful. I think this writing is a valuable catharsis for you. And, while you may not have thought of this, your story has affected all who have read it. It certainly affects me. I have to admit that your last post caused in me an irrational desire to deliver an old-fashioned ass-kicking to those who abused you. Of course, even if possible, I wouldn't do it as violence only begets more of the same. Instead, I feel an increased compassion and curiousity towards my fellows. Maybe that pertpetually sullen teenager has trouble at home. Maybe that cranky old lady is in pain. Perhaps I should help more and judge less.

Thank you.

Back to you, CT. I am glad that you are going back to your counselor. They can be a great help, if they are any good. But remember, it's your life. It's on you. 
People who have been abused often develop the really, really, really, destructive idea that they somehow deserve it. I'm sure that you already know that.

I would like to offer you some words of encouragement. I am afraid that these words may come off sounding like a Hallmark card. I apologize if this sounds trite, but it is difficult to be articulate sometimes when emotions run strong. 

My friend, you must learn to love yourself, You are a good, and intelligent man. A creation of God, if you will. There is nothing to forgive, nothing to punish. 
You make mistakes. You have bad thoughts. You do questionable things.
So does everyone else! We are all just groping along, trying to figure out our path in this world.
Others might seem like they've got it all figured out, but believe me, they don't.
You F*#k up? Me too!
I f*#k up all the time.
Not a day goes by that I handle everything in my life perfectly.

Give yourself a break. The only response you should have to making a mistake is to pledge to yourself that you will do better tomorrow. No punishment. No self-condemnation is called for.

Tarnation wrote a wonderful post. I echo his words. You have a gift that can help others. Explore it. There are people who need help.

Over a year ago I began a journey of self discovery. I returned to my church. I know, I know, but keep reading. I'm no saint. Much of the time I am not certain what I believe and don't believe. But I have learned a lot about faith. I pay no mind to the self-righteous, judgmental church lady types. Instead I focus on the good works that can be done. Reading to children, food drives, help for an area family in trouble. Working with the next generation of abused children, etc.
I have found that these activities help me as much as they help others.
It has caused me to develop my own catechism. I believe that Holiness, or goodness, if you will, is in right action and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves. 
And, I believe that by what you decide to do every day, you will be a good man - or not. There is no need to loathe yourself over the past.

Godspeed to you CT. Don't give up. I believe that you are a good man. 
And we need every good man that we can get.

Thanks everyone.

To be honest, I'm always surprised when something I write has this sort of effect on people.

I find emotions difficult to deal with and this is how I try to understand.  Thank you all for your input and support.

((((hugs))))

07/14/2015

  The mood is level. Calm and comfortable.

  I was concerned about yesterday's post. About how it would be received. About how it would effect those reading it. I was concerned it would cause worry which I felt was needless but, based on the subject matter, understandable.

  As it turns out, my fears were unfounded.

  I was quite surprised at the response. Not only was there heart-felt support, there was also insight. What I had written had given others a glimpse of themselves. Something purely unintended but welcome nonetheless. After reading the responses I knew I was going to be okay.

  Instead of judging, they told me how—they—felt. And this made a lot of things clear to me. It took a great weight from my soul. At the end of the day I was able to lay down Marley's chains and feel myself float free.

  The above not withstanding, I actually slept very poorly. It was one of those nights where my head flatly refused to shut down. Every single, irrelevant though demanded its turn in the spotlight. It's the kind of mind-space in which I would have done very well in a game of Trivial Pursuit.

  Okay, mostly well. It just took a half-dozen tries to correctly spell pursuit. Oh, and completely overlooked the fact that I could have avoided this if I'd just clicked on the check-mark icon.

  I'm still feeling a little ragged.

  I dozed off in The Thingy during lunch. Had the windows up, engine running, A/C set at 70. It was 93 outside with a humidity level high enough to wash dishes in. Okay, I'm exaggerating...a little. It was thick today, let's just leave it at that.

  I felt a little less groggy after lunch so the nap did at least some good.

  As I was heading back up to my desk I realized that, although I was dragging like a loaded diaper I wasn't dreading going back to work. I wasn't feeling soul-weary and mortally tired. I was just tired, that was all. Nothing I couldn't deal with.

  I go through periods in which the number of days in a month where I don't have to fight to overcome the anxiety enough to face the world can be counted on one hand. This is not an unusual state. I wake up, the battle begins, I head for the shower, score another day for Ben.

  The mornings in which I lose this fight are becoming less and less frequent. At this time last year, what I spoke of yesterday would have resulted in me closing all of my blinds, turning out the lights, and hiding out until the hiding-out became more detrimental than facing the world would have been.

  Sounds confusing, I know, but this is me.

  But, as I was saying, although I was staggeringly exhausted, my spirits were high. I woke this morning to words, not only of support, but of inspiration. And after reading what was there all the fear and the grief and the soul-deep pain was swept away. And I faced the day. And not once did I consider begging off and coming home to hide.

  I know I'm loved. And that I'm not alone.

  A feeling and a thought.

  All that was needed to rebuild a shattered heart.

  Thank you.

  Thanks for listening

  

Goose wrote:

Conspiracy Theory wrote:

Just an observation:  I have to be the most blessed atheist on the planet.  

God is not finished with you!

 
Thanks Goose.  You've got a good heart.

Truly, Tarnation, I'm not a believer.

I do, however, have a significant number of people who believe on my behalf.  I rather admire that.