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4/18/2017 6:16 pm  #431


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

04/18/2017

 The mood is concerned.

  This one is going to be real short.

 In a nutshell, I'm worried. I'm in the middle of an episode that's completely unlike any episode before it. The level of distraction is debilitating. Thoughts that do not belong together are put together anyway.

 Things that are so bizarre and so abstract and having no common core are assembled (I'm not claiming word-weaving here) into sentences. But here's the kicker: The sentences make perfect sense...even though they don't.

 Understand?

 Like it's perfectly natural to take the file, there's a tunnel that leads to the top of the wall, Jessop Humpty is on guard duty alone. Three-hundred silver and all I have to do is push him off the wall.

 That thought was spawned when I picked up a paper folder and it went through my head at the speed of thought.

 Is that why the worm has dozens of little legs?

 That just shot through a moment ago.

 My focus is completely gone and my center is nowhere to be found. I'm vibrating like a tuning fork...C-Major if you're interested, and I keep fading in and out of a kind of half-sleep, hence the strange chains of words.

 I have no idea where I'm going with this.

 I can't remember if it's ever been this bad.

 Thanks for listening  


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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4/26/2017 5:15 pm  #432


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

No Edit. Just banged it out and posted it. 

 04/26/2017

 The mood is very low.

 My weight is dropping again. It's dropped enough that people are commenting on how much thinner I look. It's gone long enough to change my appearance. 

I'm  not sure what to do with that.

 I'm feeling very alone right now. I can't pin down a source so it's probably another chemical attack. The only thing I can every do with this is just ride it out. Don't make any life-changing decisions. In fact, it's best if I don't interact.

 Because I don't want to have to say I'm fine when I'm very far from fine.

 I'm not a rookie. I've handled a number of attacks before. I've learned lots of things, like the stuff I mentioned above, the hard way. But knowledge be knowledge however so gained. I learned things.

 This sort of episode is characterized by a general sense of malaise. Little desire to do anything. It feels like gravity has been turned up...I feel heavy, slow. I spend a lot of time in bed. I read for awhile, then fall asleep, then wake up and do it all over again.

 My nighttime activities seem to have increased a great deal.

 It was happening so many times that I'd lost track of time. I had to message Nice to ask if it was AM or PM and what day it was.

 I've been very mobile but I have no idea what's been going on. I do keep sustaining damage. I have scrapes on the tops of both feet and one on the shin and lumps and bruises on my head. The head injuries are the most common. I have no idea why.

 I'll just wake up. But I'm up already. And I seem to be moving.

 If you've ever been rendered unconscious, like for minor surgery or something. You know those first thirty seconds or so when you have no idea who you are, where you are, or why and a sense of fear or even panic?

 Well, all of that clears up pretty quickly, but in my case it's never quick enough. I get about to the point where I know my own name before walking face-first into a wall, or a door, or a cabinet...you get the idea.

 So this is on the increase. I think I understand the why of it. My level of agitation or distress is directly proportional to the number of sleep-walking events. More agitation, more nighttime foolishness.

 To my knowledge, I've never left the house during a sleep-walking event.

 I worry about that a great deal.

 I'm done for now.

 Thanks for listening


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

6/01/2017 4:40 pm  #433


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

06/01/2017

 The mood is hostile.

 I would like to point out that when I say hostile I'm not referring to a physical state. See below for more details.

 Here's another thought process sample:

 I was trimming my fingernails on Saturday when the pizza guy showed up. I was down to the last finger which is the pinky finger on my right hand. The distraction was enough to draw my attention away from that last nail.

 I noticed my pinky-finger nail was significantly longer all of my other nails. Noticeably longer. Which triggered a patter that's been dormant since 1984.

 I live in England for most of the 1980's. I had both military and civilian friends. It was one of those civilian friends, a chap from Italy, who had a very long pinky-finger nail so I asked about it.

 He told me it meant he didn't do manual labor.

 Huh.
 So, that means you don't know how to fix anything, right?

 Anyway, when I went back to the States on leave, my friend Billy was deep into the cocaine culture. He wore a vial on a chain around his neck and had a very long pinky-finger nail.

 He told me it was called a coke-nail.

 Okay, so I'm one of those things but not the other.

 I'll leave it up to you to try the various combination. Enjoy.

 I had to say home yesterday.

 I didn't want but I was angry. Now, there are only two people in this area that I know of that have every seen me angry. A very large number of people have seen me agitated, hostile, or irritable.

 That's it.

 When I'm angry, I don't eat, I don't sleep. I fade in and out of consciousness. I'll look at my clock, see 3:10, look again a moment later and it's 4:15.



 The problem with anger is it stays in my head and won't shut the fuck up. The only way to stop it is to address what caused it in the first place.  



I would like to point out, again, that at no point is there any violence.  I may slap an inanimate object around when I'm angry but since the incidend in England, also in 1984, I won't hurt another person.  Because I become violently ill.

  The reason for the anger is this: Someone lied to my supervisor. Because of this, a piece of equipment I desperately needed was given to some one else.

 There are two things about this that made me angry. First, someone fucking LIED. Second, my supervisor, hell, everyone in my fucking unit knew I was having serious problems with my equipment.

 Which begs the question: Why did my supervisor accept someone telling him I declined the equipment? He fucking knew I was having problems. He fucking knew this would solve a great many of them.

 Yet he accepted the lie.

 Why?.

 So I tried to go through channels which failed because my supervisor flatly refused to tell me who told the fucking lie and how I go about making this right.

 He told me he'd look in to it. Which he did not do. So I was forced to Take Steps. I went through the union. This resulted in a meeting with a manger who told me they could take the equipment away from the person who received it and give it to me.

 What?

 You want me to take someone else's stuff?

 No.

 The alternative is there are no more left, we don't know if we're ever getting more, so continue to attempt to image several thousand pages on a piece of shit device that jams every Third page.

 Yeah, that's gonna happen.

 I have to stop now. 

 Thanks for listening.


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

6/05/2017 4:52 pm  #434


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

06/05/2017

 The mood is sad.

 I've finally discovered why no one wants to spend time with me outside the office.

 Apparently people think I'm a borderline psychotic who is one misstep away from becoming a raging axe-murderer.

 So all the effort I've put in to trying to fit in with the rest of you was for nothing.

 No one wants to be around me because they're afraid of me.

 It's upsetting finding out that people I've known for years have no idea what kind of person I am.

 What do I do with something like that?

 I give up. I'm done.

 I'm back to taking authors to dinner.

 I thought I was doing okay.

 But today I learned that nothing I say or do will ever make a difference.

 Thanks for listening


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

6/14/2017 8:27 am  #435


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

This is my Yahoo horoscope.

It's close enough to be scary:


You won't likely find happiness by tenaciously clinging to your preferred outcome today. You could come frustratingly close to

reestablishing your lost sense of emotional security, but it quickly slips out of your grasp as you approach the magic moment of


fulfillment. It's a waste of energy to build your hopes up only to have them dashed; instead, keep bringing your concentration back to

the present. Allow cosmic opposites to exist simultaneously without trying to take a position now. Let the uncertainty hang in the

balance until your clarity returns. 


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

6/19/2017 5:06 pm  #436


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

06/19/2017

 The mood is erratic.

 Experiencing a wide range of emotions, listing them all would be excessively time-consuming.

 This is the first time I've taken the time to write anything in nearly a month. Or, rather, I've been writing but not posting any of it. It was all just hurt and confused and really didn't make sense most of the time and I'm now a pariah so I have keep the language on the bunnies, unicorns, and kittens side of things.

 Or not.

 I was out of work for over a week. I have some decisions to make and they're life-changing decisions and I'm doing my best to avoid them. I learned a few things about myself recently. One was that I wasn't fitting in as well as I thought I was, the other is that my emotional state is also not what I thought it was.

 Today is the birthday of my brother Jon.

 Jon left this world at age twenty-four. By choice, not by circumstance. This always seems more a haunting than a memory. Memories fade, haunting doesn't. I'm usually as far away from people as I possibly be on this date, every year, but I chose to try to get through the day.

 I was dreading going back to work because I'd been out so long. I expected things to be piled up. I expected to have hundreds of e-mails I expected dozens of voice-mails.

 But I have awesome coworkers.

 Deb Weaver and Joan Wade backed me up. Things were not as grim as I'd expected. I was able to ease back into this because there are two more people in the world that care about me. I'll never forget this.

 There was also some excitement today.

 Deb Weaver sat her phone down on the counter at the pizza shop across the street from the office at lunchtime. She got distracted and didn't realize she'd lost it until she got back to the office. She wasn't sure where she'd left it so I called the number to see if we could hear it ringing.

 And someone answered.

 It was a young woman. I told her my friend had lost her phone and she was holding it. I asked if she could meet Deb in front of the office and she agreed. So Deb waited. And waited. Meanwhile, I was able to get the tracking feature in her phone to work correctly and found the phone was at an intersection two blocks away. It was amazingly precise. I could even tell which side of the street she was.

 And she was at a bus stop.

 I determined she had no intention of returning the phone and was going to abscond with it as soon as the bus arrives. I went out front, gave Deb my cell-phone, and gave her the location of her phone. She and another coworker went and found the girl, still waiting for the bus.

 Deb had words for her that are not fit for publication.

 We have a social club at work. It's a group of workers, clerks, and management that do things like sponsor trips to baseball games or Hershey Park, even New York and New Jersey bus trips. For the next five weeks they're having a Monday drawing with the winner getting a choice of gift cards.

 And I freaking won!

 So I have a gift card for Target now. Thanks Becky! (((hug)))

 The VA sent me to a civilian psychologist for a disability evaluation.

 Another one anyway. I was convinced that my emotional development stopped at age seventeen. I even wrote a poem about it. It sucked. I a writer not a poet. Anyway, we'd talked for about twenty minutes then he put his pen down and said “you have the emotions of a little boy”.

 It wasn't hurtful or anything, he just said it the same way someone will say what the weather is today. Simple statement of fact. I told him about the seventeen thing and he said it was more like eight or nine.

 So I was off by nine years? Well, that certainly answers a very large number of questions. I have the intellect of a rocket scientist and the emotions of a child. I think “erratic” is pretty much going to be a given.

 That's the whole thing. Or at least as much as I'm doing now.

 Overall, a day I was dreading turned out okay.

 Because there are people who care about me.

 Sometimes I have to remind myself of this.

 Thanks for listening 


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

6/20/2017 4:48 pm  #437


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

06/20/2017

 The mood is okay.

 I've taken the time to reflect further back than one day. It's fairly easy, like selecting a file, everything's still there.

 I've learned some things about myself lately. Things I would much prefer not to know. Things I'd rather not be. But that's like saying you want replace your skin...it's just not doable.

 So, I am very, very smart...and still a child.

 Intellect versus emotion. This was another thing the civilian psychologist told me. That I attempt to process emotion logically. As everyone knows, emotions have no logic and never will. I believe the only reason I can function in this world is that I keep overriding everything with logic.

 So what happens when someone tries to fit an emotion into a logical pattern?

 I happen. When you attempt this you get me. Trying to cram all of life into something that has shape and form and function. Something understandable. Which I'm never going to find. Try hunting a tiger with a dictionary. It's preposterous.

 And that's how it is.

 And accepting this will help shape what lies ahead.

 Thanks for listening


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

6/20/2017 4:55 pm  #438


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

Ever watch "Big Bang Theory"?

Perfect description of Sheldon Cooper.


Life is an Orthros.
 

6/21/2017 6:59 am  #439


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

Tarnation: 

Bad Wendy dragged me to her house once to binge-watch some episodes, she said there was one character in particular I reminded her of.

I'd heard of the show but only because it became popular enough to bleed-over into my insular world.  I'd never seen it until then.

She said the exact same thing you said.

Is a personality considered intellectual property? 


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

6/29/2017 3:00 pm  #440


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

06/29/2017

 The mood is calm.

 Relaxed, even.

 This had become a rare state of mind. Everything was tension, dread, guilt...too much head-noise all at once. Too many thoughts running in circles or in straight lines that go nowhere. I was actually beginning to experience physical symptoms.
 So I had to step away for a time.

 That is where I am now. This week, I've slept when I was tired, I ate when I was hungry, I read, did my laundry and my dishes, cooked...all of those things that make a life. All of those things that had dropped out of my life one by one until there was nothing left.

 I'm getting them back now.

 My doctor decided I'd be well served if I stayed out of work for a month. The alternative was the hospital at Lebanon. I'd been there once before. It's a violent psych lock-up—a prison...I don't belong in that kind of environment. The treatment is literally worse than the problem.

 I've been going to my therapy appointments. Rather looking forward to them now. Everyone is just fascinating. Such intricate pathways that lead each of us there...it's like reading stories in reverse. Having to figure out how that which is now connects to that which is then.

 It's a puzzle.

 There hasn't been a single sleep-walking episode in the past five days. At least that I'm aware of. I was having them nightly. Sometimes multiple times per night. And still the strange obsession with light bulbs.

 I was having to take a rather significant dose of sedative to keep from wandering around all night. I've been able to fall asleep and stay that way without them.

 Everything that was squeezing its way to the front of my head. All of the noise. Muted now. Slowly fading.

 I'm finding my center again.

 Relaxed.

 I honestly can't recall the last time I did something just for fun.

 There's a carnival in Shrewsbury until Saturday.

 I think I'll go have a look.

 Thanks for listening.


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

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