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2/15/2017 5:41 pm  #411


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

02/15/2017

 The mood is uncomfortably agitated.

 Four years ago I was hospitalized because I just couldn't understand the world sufficiently to interact with it.

 The world I see is perplexing, counterproductive, selfish, violent, indolent. We work hardest at making each other miserable than we do anything else. This isn't something I can wrap my head around. It's a logical paradox.

 So I began to get upset about it.

 Something that shouldn't be but is is one very large variable. One that can't be resolved. So I had to tune it out. And that worked very well.

 But it's an election year.

 And with a nationwide election, there is no avoiding the news completely. It was insidious. It altered my personality sufficiently that I began to fall into that unresolvable variable. This means confusion, then agitation then outright hostility.

 This is not who I want to be.

 So I'm slowly dialing things out again. I really don't want to know.

 I'm down to one-hundred ninety-two pounds.

 This was my military weight. When I was twenty. A long, long time ago. Honestly, I never thought I'd ever be below two-hundred pounds again. My clothes are hanging off me like I'm playing dress-up with my parent's wardrobe.

 I've been able to eat small amounts.

 By small amounts I mean a few bites then it's done. I can keep things down this way. But I think I know what' triggering the gag reflex. My senses are dialed way, way up for some reason. I will burn after just a few minutes exposure to direct sunlight.

 I used to use copious amounts of hot spices in my cooking. I can't even work around a small amount now. It's like eating fire. Every noise is clear and distinct. Which means they're all being heard a the same time.

 I think anything solid passing through and touching the back of my throat is causing me to gag. So I'm nibbling. Very small amounts. It seems to help.

 I was trying to describe this to someone at dinner once. I could filter out the background noise enough to listen to distinct conversations going on anywhere in the dining area and bar. He likened it to a super-hero power.

 I told him is was less Marvel Comics and more House Usher.

 I don't know if he got the reference, it's kind of obscure.

 I've rather been enjoying moderating on the Exchange. The general consensus from our more vocal members is that I favored one side over the other. I won't say which side is which because both felt the same way.

 Then someone posted something that was way over the line and I acted on it. It really doesn't make a difference which side you're on. That doesn't matter. These are just rules. They have no alignment.

 I'm about as moderate as any one person can be. And I feel like I'm doing okay with this.

 So, this is me.

 For today.

 Thanks for listening


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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2/22/2017 12:23 pm  #412


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

Question: What are Fire Police for?

  I've encountered them on five occasions in the past six months they were all doing the same thing:

  1. Stand around
 2. Unable to answer a simple question.

  A traffic cone:

  1. Stands around
 2. Is unable to answer a simple question.
 

 So why are they there again?  


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

3/06/2017 5:52 pm  #413


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

03/06/2017

 The mood is even.

 I haven't written anything in a long time. I need to say something but I have no idea what that something is.

 For now, I'll just talk.

 I'm settling in to the issue with the excessive weight loss. For a while, I was making up for not being able to keep anything solid down by ingesting things that are very high in sugar. My reasoning was that sugar provides energy.

 This was relatively sound reasoning...if all I needed was energy.

 I was completely overlooking protein. My doctor told me I needed to work in some kind of protein otherwise I'd start losing muscle as well as fat. He also pointed out that I can still be carrying fat and lose muscle. I was under the impression all of the fat was used up first.

 I learned something important.

 I'm getting protein where I can. I actually got some chicken from KFC. I plan to devour the skin. If anyone's interested in gently-used chicken, let me know.

 I'm getting used to the idea of group therapy.

 To be truthful, I'm finding it fascinating. I can't give specifics about anything but just listening to other people speak about the things that are usually going through my own head just grabs my attention. The best thing is, I can ask questions or give some insight or something like that.

 By doing this I'm also dealing with that same thing for myself. I'm examining what they're saying and asking myself if this is me. I think through this while they're telling the story and then I address it.

 No one seems to mind me asking questions...at least no one's said so. The questions I tend to ask can be painful to answer. Because this is me. And I'm asking because I'm finally not alone in the world.

 And I want to understand.

 I'm good with this. I'm adapting and starting to settle down some.

 I don't know if this is what I needed to say but here it is.

 Thanks for listening. 


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

3/06/2017 7:03 pm  #414


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

CT, you express more knowledge and understanding of the human condition than you know.  You listen, you think, and you analyze the world through your own personal experience.  It's a gift.

 

3/08/2017 7:55 am  #415


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

Always found that curious, Fred.

I function poorly in an environment I seem to understand better than most.
 


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

3/08/2017 6:32 pm  #416


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

03/08/2017

 The mood is good.

 For a change.

 I have a lot of authors as friends on Facebook. I have a handful of authors in the real world. What they write varies but it's mostly fantasy. I love the writing styles. The stories.

 Amazing stuff.

 People get up in the morning, do their thing, then they're off to wherever they go, focused on their day. An author does the exact same thing. Except while they're focused on their day they're also building entire realities.

 Cutting worlds from whole cloth, shaping them, populating them, becoming not one but thousands, tens of thousands individuals. Building a society, a system, social mores, financial markets, government, the list goes on.

 All of this in their minds, all the time.

 Talking with such a person is fascinating. The drive of the story, the fully fleshed-out characters, the detail is amazing. And I always ask how they decided magic would work. Authors who can come up with something different are always at the top of my reading list.

 And I soak all of this up like a sponge.

 I have dozens of realities in my mind, each created by one person. One truly amazing person.

 End of the gushing.

 I feel pretty good today. The weight loss has stabilized Still can't get solid stuff to stay down but I can get away with things like yogurt. I'm getting protein where I can so I feel a little better overall.

 I'm having difficulty with my work.

 This is unusual. I was at a level where I could fit in some extra work. Now I feel like I'm being buried. There has been a great deal of change in the past two years. Every aspect of my job was disrupted in one way or another.

 Now I have hundreds of useless patterns.

 I begin structuring new patterns to deal with things then something else is disrupted. There has been a great deal of change in the past two years and every single change reduced our ability as caseworkers and clerks to do our jobs.

 I'm dealing with it. It is what is so I have to handle it. I'm okay with that. The problem is I have a tendency to focus on one thing while another thing approaches the deadline. There's only one thing at a time.

 What I seem to be lacking is a concept of mentally tracking several things while doing one thing. I'm just doing, I'm not monitoring. And I know this. And I find it annoying.

 And I keep forgetting every single time.

 This is troubling.

 But I'll find a way.

 Thanks for listening.


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

3/09/2017 5:48 pm  #417


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

03/09/2017

 The mood is good.

 Still.

 I keep having these anger flashes. Like I'll be driving, relaxed, listening to music, then a memory will surface. One that recalls incidences in which I was extremely upset. I have no idea why this is happening but at least I'm aware of it so it's much easier to control.

 I feel okay physically too.

 I haven't lost any more weight. I'm hanging at one-hundred eighty-eight. That was my military weight. When I was lifting heavy objects all day every day and was solid as a tree-trunk. Not so much anymore. I'm as solid as a pillow.

 One of those really downy ones.

 Before I became aware of the autism, I used to communicate my emotions using music. I'd make a collage of songs that carefully express how I feel over the entire range of emotions and I'd hand it off to whomever I wanted to communicate with so they can understand.

 Only, it never quite worked out that way.

 You see, an emotion that is tied to a piece of music is your emotion and your music. The same song will have a different meaning for another person. Without understanding this I was always left hurt and confused because what I made didn't evoke the correct response.

 So I learned. And I understand a little better. But I'm still prone to using music or some other means to express an emotion instead of just expressing the damn emotion.

 It gets a little convoluted.

 I felt much, much better at work today.

 I felt productive, on top of things, in control again. I decided to do something different today. I attacked the pile of stuff that's been sitting around for months. This consisted of stuff that wasn't vital right now but it will be in a few more months.

 I began to gradually feel better as the stack decreased. I went through over one-hundred imaging hits, attached a few thousand pages, wrote a number of very eloquent narratives...just got things done.

 I discovered the root of the dread I was facing every morning was this very thing. All that stuff that just piled up. I don't have time now. It's not terribly important. I'll get to it later.

 Much later, apparently.

 But, mission accomplished...I mean real mission accomplished not George's mission accomplished.

 Couldn't resist that dig.

 Thanks for listening.


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

3/16/2017 12:01 pm  #418


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

Something you can always count on...someone throwing a punch-up over a parking space.

I can understand the anger but is fighting over it helping?


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

3/17/2017 5:13 pm  #419


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

03/17/2017

 The mood is up.

 And I'm enjoying it.

 I want to start by asking: Is there anyone who lives near enough to a Weis Market to shop there who is seriously struggling?

 When I say struggling, I mean like five bucks between payday kinda struggling.

 Anyway, the folks at Weis made me wait long enough for me to become annoyed. To placate me they gave me a gift card for twenty dollars. I don't need it. I accepted it anyway because of what I plan to do with it.

 If you desperately need groceries, please message me and I'll either hand it to you or mail it depending on how far away you are.

 If there are no takers, I intend to take it to work, pick out a client, and give it to them.

 Nuff said.

 I have always had more female friends than male friends.

 The reason being that there is very little filtering between what goes through my head and what comes out of my mouth. So I talk about things that make other men uncomfortable...like feelings. Women, on the other hand, are free to express their emotions so they're more likely to accept me the way I am.

 It's very difficult to approach a woman and attempt to make friends.

 Women are, understandably, skittish when a man says he just wants to be friends. Because that's exactly what the men who are trying to separate a woman from her clothing would say too.

 My reputation is tarnished. By other people. This is irritating but it is what is so I have to deal with it. It's helped a great deal that I've been friends with a number of Wendy's for the past five years so at least there are some people who know what I'm really like.

 I want to have friends.

 I enjoy doing things but if you're alone then life's pleasures have a different flavor.

 A thing shared is a thing treasured.

 Going it alone can get me down from time to time.

 But I'm not staying down so I'm okay with it.

 Thanks for listening


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

3/21/2017 6:27 pm  #420


Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

03/21/2017

 The mood is elevated.

 I'm feeling very level. Centered. At peace. A state so rare and so precious.

 I want to write but my thoughts are all over the place. I write all of my narratives throughout the day in my head. Not word for word but the ideas, how they'll be organized, what words to use, and the subject can change a number of times before I get to this current point.

 If you're interested in the disposition of the Weis store card from the last entry I finally hit on a better solution. Since I had an appointment yesterday I took it to the VA clinic and gave it to a veteran who really needed it.

 It was a strange experience.

 He sat down next to me in the waiting room. His clothing was badly worn but clean and as neat as possible. He was very thin and shook a great deal. I recognize a sugar crash when I see one so I started talking to him.

 He was alone in life.

 The clinic was pretty much the extent of his social contact. That, and talking to the cashiers at the grocery store. I asked where he likes to shop--see how cleverly I worked that in?---he said he just goes where the sales are.

 When my name was called I handed him the card, got up, and gathered my things. As I started to walk away he grabbed my arm. I looked at him he looked at me and that was all that needed to be said. He patted my arm and I went in with the nurse.  I never told him what I do for a living and didn't give him my number because I knew he wouldn't call.People from that generation just didn't do welfare. No matter how bad things got.
 I felt sad for some reason.

 I mean, I was fortunate enough to be in a position to do something good for someone else. If not someone I know then someone I don't know. It's no reason to be sad. I've been mulling this all day and my best guess is empathy, but on a very large scale.

 Realizing the size of a problem, and realizing it's so large that nothing you ever do will even make a dent in it, tends to lean toward feelings of hopelessness. Like I finally want to give up. Let the tide roll over me.

 But I won't.

 Facing something I can do nothing about, and becoming upset about it, is useless. Yes, I do that. Eventually I get a grip and start working on the things where I can do something.

 Every problem comes in parts. Taking one apart can be lengthy and confusing.

 It's a lot of parts. In this case that part was a person. A real person sitting right next to me. I took the time to look not just see. And to listen, not just hear. And in the end the decision was easy.

 I got to make someone's life better.

 At least for that day.

 Thanks for listening 

Last edited by Conspiracy Theory (3/22/2017 4:33 am)


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

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     Thread Starter
 

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