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7/02/2017 11:41 am  #451

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread


 The mood is cool.

 I'm having the feeling the trip to Target was a setback...sort of. It comes and goes. It wasn't all one thing or the other but it just keeps feeling that way.

 There were successes and failures and that's pretty much what most days are like right now. I'm trying to learn from them. Applying logic to emotion. Which always works out :::sarcasm font:::.

 You can imagine the confusion this is causing. I'm here, I'm dealing with this, I'm going to therapy, I'll be okay.

 On a lighter note.

 I have a novel...sort of.

 I was having difficulty with both the perspective and the direction of the story. I sent some of my notes to my protege and asked if she'd like to help me build a world and she agreed.

 I just sent her a very detailed description about how magic works in this world. I thought we could start by building the actual world then do the social structure and then the story. So for the background stuff, like what the world looks like and what properties of physics exist...aka how magic works, I thought we'd start with that since it's central to the story.

 I sent her thoughts on the subject. I think what I came up with is a neat idea but I really want a critical viewpoint and suggestions and I'm hoping my protege will become as excited about this project as I am.
 I haven't felt this good about anything in years.

 We're going to build a freaking world, man!

 Thanks for listening

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again


7/04/2017 1:49 pm  #452

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread


 The mood is comfortable.

 That's the emotional state. The pain level is higher than is usual but I'm used to dealing with this so it's mostly in the background.

 I actually have so much I want to put down that I can't settle on any one thing.

 I am very excited about my relationship with my protege. I hit on the idea of doing a long-term project together...namely, my fantasy novel that's collected a foot or so of dust.

 We've only exchanged a few ideas so far but the input she provided has already launched the story forward in ways I wouldn't have come up with alone.

 So, as a project, we've begun building the world that will be the setting for our story. I'm in the process of breaking down the background structure into manageable parts that we can then exchange as an outline.

 I thought we'd start with how magic works. Where is comes from, how it's used, the drawbacks, etc... A lot of the best novels I've read had their own particular brand of magic, or they use an existing form in a unique way.

 I thought we'd come up with our own magic. I'm starting on the outline and I'm looking forward to this project.

 It's something that makes me happy. I was convinced happiness is something I wasn't capable of feeling.

 I'm still having agitation issues.

 They don't block out everything else so that's okay but I do feel my blood pressure going up and down throughout the day. This happens when I start thinking about things that upset me. I'm thinking about these things for no reason at all and the emotion it's producing is useless.
 So why am I doing it?

 That's what I'm trying to figure out.

 Why am I winding myself up like this and how do I stop it.

 Just don't do it. Sounds real simple, right? But it's hard-wired. Built into my brain. This isn't just a bad habit, it's an aspect of my personality.

 How do you “not do” you?

 I'll think on this...

 Thanks for listening.

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

7/04/2017 7:26 pm  #453

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

Did you know that there are all these "games" you can download for free?

  Then....and the is the really bizarre part....people will pay real money for game money!

  Like they'll hand over twenty bucks to get five-hundred points or gold or sheckels or whatever they use as currency in the game.

  So, to summarize:

  Game: Just a game

  Game economy: Based on game money. To succeed, you need game money.

  Real money: People hand over actual cash-money in exchange for fake money that doesn't exist.

  Just give it to me, okay?

  That way at least one of us will be happy.

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

7/05/2017 3:35 pm  #454

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread


 The mood is depressed.

 When I'm in the elevated or relaxed states I have a tendency to forget what else will be coming. The depression is manufactured by my own brain. That's how it's built. It doesn't matter what's going on in my life, now or before.

 That's all I'm going to say about that. It is what it is, there's no avoiding it.

 World building.

 That's what I'm doing right now. I've been devoting a great deal of thought to the novel. This is because I have someone else who is as thrilled as I am about building this.

 I've been thinking about the individual characters and writing it all down. This has been happening every day for the past twenty years or so. None of it was written down because I was usually at work and I was too worn out when I got home.

 Or, at least, that was the excuse.

 The truth is that I got to certain points where development became impossible because it depended on some aspect of this fantasy world which I hadn't even thought about.

 But, since someone is now relying on me for guidance and advice with writing, I've been better focused on what needs to happen before the story writing begins. My protege is still learning the first principals of creative writing in school.

 Knowing this helps me focus on breaking down the process.

 With this in mind, I'm actually making some progress.

 This is a good thing and I know this but this state is like being behind a very large, very slow vehicle....can't see over, under, or around it.

 And that's where I'm at today.

 Can't see over, under, or around it.

 So I'll try to lose myself in a story and wait for this to pass.

 Thanks for listening  

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

7/16/2017 11:17 am  #455

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread


 The mood is calm.

 This is the calm that is found after the storm. The time when everything that was in motion is now still.

 I spent a great deal of my life trying to be like everyone else. I spent a great deal of my life trying to fit in in a world that doesn't have space for a part like me.

 I believed there was something wrong with me.

 And when I discovered this was true, I believed I could get better when I knew all along this is not something that can never happen.

 But, perhaps, the biggest mistake I made was believing that wrong and different are the same thing.

 There's nothing wrong with me. I was born with this brain. I just haven't been true to its nature. I denied what I am in order to be like everyone else when what I really am is something too different to be denied.

 I live in a world of narratives.


 Everything has a beginning, middle, and end. It's easy for me to read and I just assumed everyone else could too. But this is unique to me. The problem with narratives is that a story has structure. That structure doesn't allow for variables.

 The story is what the story is.

 Looking back, the deck was stacked against me from the start. I did my best to do something I thought was worthwhile. I tried to defend the country that saw fit to give me something so few other people in the world had.

 I tried to give something back to the community.

 I never would have made it this far without people who care about me. People who cared enough to overlook the bizarre behavior, the wild mood swings, the lack of understanding, the literal interpretation of everything they's a long list.

 But the madness has an up side too. 

I could always find some strange humor in just about everything. I can make people laugh. I know how to have a conversation, how to tell a story....


 So now my story is changing. One story is ending, another is beginning.

 I'm stepping down. Retiring.

 This is no longer who I am.

 I'm not sure who I will become. The narrative is fluid now. Undefined. But strangely comforting.

 I think I'd like to try being a teacher.

 I'd like to pass on what I know to someone whose whole life is ahead of her.

 I'd like to write some of my own stories for change.

 I'd like to embrace who I am and run with it. 

 Thanks for listening  

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

7/16/2017 11:18 am  #456

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread


 The mood is calm.

 It's done. I handed in my resignation and my ID, collected my stuff from my desk, and that was it.

 I was uncomfortable going back to my desk to get my stuff. I really wanted to sneak in after hours and go without having to explain myself to everyone.

 But, I have to catch the HR guy during business hours so I went in at 1pm.

 I wrote out my resignation and handed it in. Once all of this was done, I thanked the HR person. It was because of his help that I was able to come back to PA as a caseworker and to see my dad before he died. He said he was just doing his job, and that's okay. The end result was the same.

 I went to collect my stuff.

 The idea of having to go get my stuff out of my desk made me uncomfortable. My departure was rather abrupt so there were things left undone. I felt like I was letting everyone down. Whether this is true or not really doesn't matter. What matters is I got to say goodbye to people who have been a part of my everyday life for the past seven years.

 I'll have more to say about all of this. For now, my head is full of noise but it's the good kind of noise. The kind that drives me to write.

 Things are going to be very, very tight from a financial perspective for a couple of months. I have my VA income but my retirement pension won't be processed for another six to eight weeks.

 I have to go to my appointments still and there's a trip to Harrisburg for the appointment with the retirement counselor so gas is an issue.

 This isn't the first time in my life I've been broke and it won't be the last; I'll get through it.

 I'm optimistic.

 And, right now, dealing with a head full of jumbled thoughts.

 Time to reflect, assess, and relax.

 Just...relax for a change.

 Thanks for listening 

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

7/16/2017 12:03 pm  #457

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

I am wishing you a great adventure in this next chapter of your life. 

"On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

7/16/2017 12:28 pm  #458

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

I echo Goose's sentiment.

"Do not confuse motion and progress, A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress"

7/16/2017 4:44 pm  #459

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread


 The mood is up.

 I feel level. Even. There have been no sleep-walking episodes in a few weeks. Or if there is, I've been more circumspect about it. Nothing's been changed as far as I can see.

 I have some things to learn

 My budget is considerably different now. I cashed in some change to get a few bucks until the 1st of August and Nice Wendy was a love and filled my car up with gas so I can make it to my appointments.

 I'm still going to regular counseling appointments. Those are going well.

 I think once my retirement stuff is settled and I get the disability determination back from the VA I'll be much better off.

 I banged out a little over five-thousand words for a short-story between 4am and about 9am.

 It's been in my head for weeks. Stuck. Because I'm lousy at naming made up things. But, I have a brilliant protege who is very good at naming things so there's now there is movement for the story. My fantasy novel has been sitting for years—blocked, until I began corresponding with my protege. Now the ideas are flowing.

 But I'm rusty as hell.

 I mean, I've been writing this journal and a few other things, but I haven't written a story in a couple of decades. I kept going back to correct or change things. Nice Wendy and Allie are going to look it over and tell me what they think.

 I've also been writing background on our as yet unnamed world. I have a place, one continent and one island. A social/political structure that's pseudo-feudal but mostly a representative republic run by ruling Houses who answer to council of Archons who answer to an empress.

 We've mostly worked out how magic will work. Practically everything I could dream up had been done already so I settled on a process that I hope is fresh enough to get attention.

 Allie is also drawing a map. If she has the same talent her mum does it will be a work of art.

 I feel good about things. For the first time in a long time. I might run out of gas. I might run out of food.

 But I still can't stop smiling.

 There's a whole other world out there that I've never seen.

 The daytime people.

 Something new to explore.

 Thanks for listening.

If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

7/21/2017 11:34 am  #460

Re: The Random Thoughts Thread

I just got back from Harrisburg.

Signed the final forms and I am now entering my third, and last, retirement...unless Social Security counts as another one when it's time for that?


If you make yourself miserable trying to make others happy that means everyone is miserable.

-Me again

     Thread Starter

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